I have been married for several years and my marriage has always felt like it was missing something, and I had a life changing event and my life took a turn. I became involved in an emotional affair and he was very manipulating and threatened to tell my husband and I would lose my young child so I kept it up until one day it was all out in the open and I cut it off and then months later he confronted me and it began again and my life was in tangles and my husband finally found out again and I did 100 % cut him off and never looked back. My husband said he forgave me and we worked on us but he would always hear things that his buddies were going through and he would throw my past up in my face so I was always walking in egg shells. Fast forward few years an emotional affair  started again with a different man. This man was married and he made a comment about how sexy I looked and my heart slipped back into the spot I knew I did not need to be in but it felt so good to hear someone say how sexy I was. My husband found out about this guy and he lost it on me told me it was all my fault. What he does not see is that it is not just me. Our marriage has always felt like a room mate/ maid situation. I am not allowed to look at guys or say anything about them looking good but he can comment on a woman in a heart beat and I am suppose to be okay with that. I have tried doing everything in my power to let him know he is the one I love and I have told him there are things I need and he tells me well I was not raised that way. My life is not what everyone thinks it is. I hide pain and sadness very well. I am not sure if I will ever be able to just go and do without him. He wants me with him 24/7 even before all of this happened. We never spend time apart and I have lost who I am and what I am suppose to do and be. I like is nothing but egg shells, wondering, and worrying.

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