One day I just woke up. I remember the first time I was afraid of you. The moments when that alcohol touch your lips and you swallowed it. You kept choosing that. You kept things that have hurt you inside. You never reveled how much you still needed to heal. Although I had that same problem except mine was nothing compared to yours at least that’s what you made me believe.
I remember your soul leave out of your body. When that poison filled your body warm and safe for you turned into a war zone for me. You changed into someone I had hoped to not come across. I cried in corners, I reached for you when you cried, I held you in my arms praying. Praying that you would shake this sadness and doubt. Then somewhere you thought I hurt you. You believe I wasn’t on your side. Over and over you convinced yourself that I was the one who need to be taken care by you. That responsibility was hard for you.
Day after day I tip toed. I made sure I didn’t say the wrong thing. Week after week I learned your needs and wants. Month after month I lied to myself that this was the one person who loved me. Even though you were broken I wanted you. Then years past and I thought I was making good things happen for us. I supported you with everything I had and even gave up my dreams for you. I let my own thoughts turn into traps and shame. one by one I lost value after value, hope after hope, trust after trust.
I woke up 1,486 days later I turned over and hated you. I wish I didn’t have this thought in my head. I’ve tried my best to hide it. I had a war in me about how can I hate you when I loved you. I always wanted you happy because you believed in me all I ever wanted was to believe in you. Sounds sort of poetic or insanely confusing. Imagine how back and forth it was for me. I know I wasn’t always nice. I am not really sure how I was suppose to tell you. I admit I didn’t expect us to bond the way we did. I was unaware of how you were not like a lot of the guys I’ve met. You were very interested in me and I apologize for the fact that it didn’t start out like that for you.
I’m letting you go now. I am not searching for no one to warm my bed. I am not eager to see anyone until I’ve gotten something to be proud of. I know I told you I wouldn’t find love again. I lied. I’m in love with anyone right now, I really don’t want to give you control over my life. In a conscious or unconscious way. Letting go was the hardest things to except and I know you when in to denial after denial. Until I wasn’t afraid to hurt. Like I said “I hate you”.
My good memories of us were so clear we had nothing but happiness. Until one came to another we fought to take care of us. How to love and learn about the big world together. A really big responsibility on our shoulder two hurts souls cramming themselves together to make each other whole.
I don’t feel bad. I hate that about myself right now. I hold my breath at the thought of all the things we went through together. I’m okay to let that go. I learned that I have not even begun to see my potential because I was helping you look for your purpose and your own acceptance of your addiction.
I realized so much just getting this out of my head. wow.. I said good bye to you which seemed so impossible. That seemed so unimaginable because I picture you trying your hardest to hate me. Confidence was your enemy, master and down fall. I wish everyone’s prayers helped us. Even I loved you at one point completely. I’m sorry Max. I wish I had the courage to lift you and myself but you are your own responsibility and I had to remove myself for your benefit and you will realized that too.
I was the one who put our relationship in jeopardy. I really can not say anymore but the fact that I lost. I lost but I am no longer at your mercy.