It is surprising to me to still have depression and anxiety in my fifties.  It\\\’s been 10 years, I thought it would have gone away by now.  I have a feeling that will never happen.  I retired this year.  My kids are 21 and 25 and have moved out long ago.

I have been seeing an old boyfriend from my high school days.  We get along great but there is something stopping me from committing to a relationship.   But if I compare life with and without him it’s much better with him.  I am happier, much busier with happy things to do.  We walk the dog in all kinds of different places, go to friends for dinner and have dinner parties at my place.  We go for drives and explore new places and towns.  We support one another.  I suppose it’s as good as it gets.  So why am I wanting more?  I have tried to break up with him but I end up with so little motivation that other than walk my dog and visit with friends and family once in a while, I do nothing else.  I don’t seem to have the courage to beat this motivation monster.  That’s my true enemy.  I was without a partner for  years after I left a really bad really long marriage but I had the kids to keep me company.  I know I can do it, I just have to be strong when he tries to get back together after breaking up.  I go back each time.   I am leaving on a trip to Thailand and India for 2 months with my brother in 3 weeks.  We’ll see how I do.  Maybe I’ll be stronger emotionally and physically when I get back.  Or maybe I’ll keep travelling and come home for only short periods of time.