I hate to begin my membership here with a post like this. I just received a phone call that a member of the family has died this afternoon. It wasn't anything abrupt; he'd been suffering from a neurological disease for years, but the fact that he has (with the exception of my aunt taking care of him) been alone for many years since his wife passed away makes me lament the state he was in prior to his passing. He lost who he was a long time ago, and became this poor shadow of a human being reduced to being capable of little more than the most basic human functions. I find it terrifying to think about. I feel so badly for him… this has taken place less than a week after the two year anniversary of my grandfather's death, for whom I have honestly not allowed myself to grieve properly yet because I know myself well enough to be aware that if I do, I will absolutely fall apart, and I am not in the mental state to be able to handle that. This just makes matters worse. I know I shouldn't be thinking about myself, but when I'm reminded of death so often, I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. I can't even be around people when I'm like this, because I completely lose my grip on reality and knowing that those who are trying to comfort me are also at some point going to die makes me panic even more. I go into this black state of mind and the only thing that helps is to curl up by myself and cry until I fall asleep. When I wake up, I'm not better, but I've had a chance to let my mind shut down for a while and process the panic I'm feeling. I wish I could do that now, but it's been a very busy day and it isn't over yet. I just wanted to take a few minutes to write this down so that I can better hide how I feel from my friends. I don't want to ruin their evening with this. May is the worst month of the year for me, and this has not made it any better.
Before I go, here's a random thought: today is my father's birthday. I sent him a text to tell him I love him, and I haven't gotten a response. I hope he just hasn't had a chance to read it yet.