It's been a very long time since I wrote in here. I honestly don't expect anyone to read this but hey if they do maybe they can be more educated on a few things.

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Before xanax was my life. I didn't know what to do without it. I carried it literally everywhere with me, took it ALL the time. This went on for over 10 years straight with my Dr increasing doses while adding in some klonopin (another benzo) to the mix.

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I couldn't handle things, I just knew it worked for me and it helped. But 10+ years later I faced the inevitable truth about these awful drugs. I hit complete rock bottom in tolerance withdrawal with my xanax. I felt like I was going to die, I think in that moment I wish that I did, it would of felt better. The worst was having convulsions and hallucinations. My anxiety went right back up. I was only taking the medication to avoid getting horrible withdrawal symptoms. At this time I had a new dr and she wanted me off it. She did a damn good job getting me from 10-12mg of xanax down to 3mg a day.

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The day I hit rock bottom. I knew I had to do something, I have a SON. He depends on his mother. I looked into so many rehabs but none of them were benzo-wise. They would of just cold turkeyed me and gave me new medication to stop seizures and send me home in withdrawal and the success rate of relapsing is almost indefinite.

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I found a group on Facebook. God bless them. I started to get off with their help and my new psychiatrist. What I did was switch over from xanax to valium because valium has a much longer half life. That took about 3-4 months to cross over. After that I started doing something called liquid titration where I would dissolve my pills into a certain amount of milk and then take a syringe and take out points of a milligram everyday. So the equivalent of 3mg of xanax/day was 60mg of valium/day. Every 10 days I would lose 1mg. It is going to take me over 2.5 years to get off this medication and then around 18 months average to HEAL.

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Around day 85 of doing this I started taking dry pills only because I was going on vacation with my family and didnt want to be sedated the entire time. Now I haven't gone back to liquid for about a month and I know I'm screwing myself over SO bad.

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Everyday I think horrible things, I feel horrible things, things you would never want to experience in your life.

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My husband had to stop working because I couldnt care for my son on my own while being so sedated by this medicine and in withdrawal. So I had no choice but to find a SHIT job that I could go to when I wanted and when I chose not to take liquid and just take pills (doesn't sedate me as much). Ive become a dancer at a bar. It's the only thing I could do at the time that I would bring in money. I hate it, it's made me a different person. I HATE IT. I barely go in, I go in when I know we need to pay bills or Nathan needs something.
nGOD Nathan will be 3 years old in a few months. I want to be well for him, i want him to be proud of me!!!! This is so hard. I'm hurt 24/7 physically and emotionally.

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My relationships are doing awful because of this.

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PLEASE if you are on a benzo please know they are only supposed to be used up to a month TOPS. I know it makes you feel better but you will hit rock bottom you will be like me wishing death is better than this. I will help anyone, anyone that has any questions, please I will help you. I cannot imagine this on anyone else.

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There is another way..I swear it. Don't risk doing this to yourself.

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