This is my first blog entry, my introduction to the blogosphere.  I’m not really sure what to write.  I have anxiety and I thought that this website might help.  I think I’ve always been prone to anxiety however it hasn’t been a big problem until recently.  Recently I’ve had panic attacks and I want them to stop.  When negative thoughts start to churn in the back of my mind I know I’m more likely to have an attack.  The way my circumstances are right now I have a lot of time for negative thoughts.

My boyfriend is nice but he doesn’t understand what I’m going through or have the time to really help.  I want to be around like-minded people who could possibly offer advice or simple friendship.  I’m lonely and away from my family with no friends.  I have thought about going out by myself, however, one of my anxiety triggers is being alone.  Well, that’s not entirely correct, I have anxiety when I’m alone and my mind starts to fester with negative thoughts of all the bad things that could happen when I’m alone.

I know another problem I have is feeling insignificant.  That feeling comes when I drive.  I don’t feel like I have a purpose right now.  I feel like I don’t have a right to be on the road, I’m taking up valuable space and everyone else knows it.  Being alone while driving doesn’t help either, a lot of bad things can happen in a car.  I have really bad anxiety when I drive.  When I was in college, and when I was working, I felt productive and like I had a right to be here, now, not so much.  With my personal schedule so sparse I have a lot of time to think, and because my life isn’t going so well my thoughts are negative.  Since I don’t have a lot to distract me I get to concentrate on those thoughts for a long time.

I know the real me is still here.  Right now she’s just covered in many layers of negativity and insecurity.  I want to get back to who I was, and I know I will.  It is going to take time but I will get there.  I don’t accept that this is my new normal.  The only thing I accept is that I will get better.

 

1 Comment
  1. foreverfree 2 years ago

    Oh boy Kirby. Absolutely trust your gut as people say. You are right. He is a sleaze. I would try to avoid him. I know it would be hard on your mom but hopefully she will side with you and leave him. Deleting yucky people from your life is best for you. I have deleted all people that make me feel uncomfortable or bad. I feel good being around only good people. I know that your situation is hard. My daughter hated my boyfriend and I began to see him through her eyes. She avoided coming over when he was at my house. That helped me to break up with him. I feel better now, true to myself. Take care. Free

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