This is my first blog entry, my introduction to the blogosphere. I’m not really sure what to write. I have anxiety and I thought that this website might help. I think I’ve always been prone to anxiety however it hasn’t been a big problem until recently. Recently I’ve had panic attacks and I want them to stop. When negative thoughts start to churn in the back of my mind I know I’m more likely to have an attack. The way my circumstances are right now I have a lot of time for negative thoughts.
My boyfriend is nice but he doesn’t understand what I’m going through or have the time to really help. I want to be around like-minded people who could possibly offer advice or simple friendship. I’m lonely and away from my family with no friends. I have thought about going out by myself, however, one of my anxiety triggers is being alone. Well, that’s not entirely correct, I have anxiety when I’m alone and my mind starts to fester with negative thoughts of all the bad things that could happen when I’m alone.
I know another problem I have is feeling insignificant. That feeling comes when I drive. I don’t feel like I have a purpose right now. I feel like I don’t have a right to be on the road, I’m taking up valuable space and everyone else knows it. Being alone while driving doesn’t help either, a lot of bad things can happen in a car. I have really bad anxiety when I drive. When I was in college, and when I was working, I felt productive and like I had a right to be here, now, not so much. With my personal schedule so sparse I have a lot of time to think, and because my life isn’t going so well my thoughts are negative. Since I don’t have a lot to distract me I get to concentrate on those thoughts for a long time.
I know the real me is still here. Right now she’s just covered in many layers of negativity and insecurity. I want to get back to who I was, and I know I will. It is going to take time but I will get there. I don’t accept that this is my new normal. The only thing I accept is that I will get better.