I don’t know what to say about my life. I’ve somehow managed to get a ‘best friend’ at least thats what he calls me. I consider us more drinking buddies and considering my addictive tendencies he’s probably the worst guy I could hang out with. He has no idea about who I really am. I didn’t do that deliberately but I guess he looked more into our drinking sessions than I did. I always thought he was more at risk of suicide than me because I think he’s on the ASD spectrum. I have no illusions about myself and know I’m not helping myself.

I’ve never had a ‘best friend’ before. I don’t know what’s required of me to fore-fill this role. I’m not sure it’s a role I want. All I know is that he’ll blindly agree with me because I’m his best friend. Is that what it takes to be a best friend, blind loyalty? He phones me a lot about his various life issues. I answer and give my thoughts. But I don’t  feel better afterwards.. I feel obligated.  I never phone him. I know his romantic relationships won’t last because he wants everything on his terms, and that’s not how life works.

I don’t think I want relationships with people. No one will ever understand me. I got told that twenty years ago and am finally realising how true that is.  I get why people withdraw from the world.