I’m not supposed to, but I keep feeding my, ever so hungry, emotions.
The days are starting to blur together. I feel like I’m in a constant state of anxiety and the only relief I get is when I am sleeping. I’ve been sleeping so much that I’m worried that I’m wasting my days away, but when I think of doing anything other than sleeping I become anxious again. I use so many self-soothing techniques that I feel like I am running out of ideas. There isn’t a specific one that works best. I just do a bunch until one makes me feel better and it always ends up with me curled up on the couch, clutching something warm and soft.
I’ve been feeling so claustrophobic lately that I can’t even sleep in my own bed again. Being on the couch, with all the open space of the living room and being able to see everything, just feels so comforting. The bedroom, especially with the door closed, suffocates me. No matter how comfortable I make it in there, it always feels like the walls are slowly closing in on me and I often have bad dreams.
Am I regressing again? Is this just a phase? Was it because I went to the supermarket and strained myself? All I know is that I feel unbelievably tired and scared again. I’m getting the appropriate help that I need, but nothing ever seems like enough. I don’t want anymore medications. I already have enough. I’m not sure what else I can do for myself though. I’m just glad I can get through the days, regardless of how I do it or how much I sleep. It will get better soon. I look forward to the positive days. They are rare, but keep me hopeful.
It’ll get better. It always does.