I am really upset right now. I opened up to a friend, telling her about my ocd and obsessions and she rejected me. It was really hard opening up to her, and the reason I did it is because I'm tired of living this lie. Tired of living in shame.
I guess because she suffers from anxiety and depression and is on meds she would understand even if she didn't. I didn't think that she would reject me. I was looking for reassurance (which a small part of me thought I would get from her) but instead my worst fear came true: That if I opened up to someone besides the ocd community or my therapist that my insecurities about being a freak would be true.
You know how that makes me feel? Like there is a good reason for the shame I feel. I was ready to start letting the shame go and start moving forward. Now I just want to jump into a hole and bury myself alive.
Why did I have to be cursed with this fucking disorder? Why did I have to be sexually traumatized? Why can't I think normal thoughts? Why am I all alone in the world? Why do I even freaking exist? I want to cry, but I know I will never stop if I do.
I have to go to work this morning and all I can think about is kicking my so-called friend's ass. I thought maybe she hadn't responded to my post because she was too busy. But she wasn't so busy she couldn't post her own stuff. I have been waiting for two days for a response and she is just ignoring me and talking to everyone else.
Why did I think I could open up to her? And by some miracle she isn't ignoring me and just coming up with a response she should let me know that. OCD people obsess. I have been obsessing for two days. It's like my life was in her hands. Now that she hasn't responded I feel so rejected. I send her a message telling her I felt rejected, so I'm wondering if that gets her attention to atleast give me a response.
I should have known telling her my obsessions would freak her out. They aren't normal thoughts, so why would I expect someone normal to understand. Argh, I am so angry. I can't take my ocd and guilt anymore.