I'm doing better…Yesterday I just kind of freaked out I guess…I don't really know what it was about…Thanks for the help yesterday.
Um, I called one of those TALK lines but when the girl answered I could only stutter like an idiot and then I hung up. I'm…embarrassed? I think…I think I'm embarrassed because I don't like to be open…like letting people in isn't…me.
When I was little my parents, my brother, and I moved so much I never had real friends. I've lived most of my life without friends…and I'm not very social with kids at school now. I don't want to be social but I know, I know it isn't healthy to live alone. I need friends and there is one in paticular that I've became closer with.
She knows some of my secrets but not all of them. I'm afraid what she'll think of me. I…don't want to loose a friend just because I'm…odd. I don't like how my mom moved my family into the suburbs. The suburbian lifestyle isn't for us yet she moved us here so…I'll have to live with it…
And the cherry on top of everything is my friend, I suppose you could call her my best friend, is moving. She doesn't know if we'll be in the same school or if I'll ever even see her after this Summer.
I'm…scared? I mean I suppose becoming the loner again wouldn't be so bad, it wasn't necessarily bad when I did it all those years ago. I guess I'll feel…less…in touch with the world and I don't want that.
I'm actually really worried. I'm…losing my train of thought…I can't focus much anymore, all I can think about is that when I get older I'm going to be alone…Like the crazy old ladies with 30 or 40 cats…I don't really want that but I don't know if I can pull out of this.
I need to just, I don't know what I need. I need to pull out of this rut of constant….whatever this emotion is…I don't know much, and I know I'm not ready to face the world on my own yet, so running away won't solve anything. I just…want…to…know how to get out of this thing…whatever this is.