I'm disappointed. I thought I was better. I'm not. I'm getting that feeling I had yesterday, the feeling where I can't handle what's going on. I don't like it. And just like yesterday I'm losing control of the situation fast.
After the last post, where I mentioned being better, I'm not. I thought I was but I'm not and…I don't know.
I'm…my chest it hurts. I don't know why. I'm feeling terrified and I have nothing to be afraid of. I'm just scared and I don't know why. I'm dizzy and I can barely see straight. It's so hot, and I'm sweating really badly. I'm afraid I'm going to lose control and do something bad.
I don't mean committing crime but…bad.
It's hard to breathe and my chest really hurts. I can't…I don't like this feeling and I thought that yesterday's incident would be a one time thing. But this happening again, the second day in a row, I don't know…
I'm closing my eyes and trying to calm down. The sites say I should take deep breaths, but it hurts to do that. My chest is constricting…
I'm crying too much. I need to stop. I can't, just thinking about stopping makes it worse.
I feel like someone is about to walk into my room, my mom? Dad? Brother? I don't know but they'll walk in and then ask me what's wrong. In a comforting gesture, I'm sure. And I'll tell them slightly what's going on and their response might be comforting but in their mind their think, 'I live this girl, I don't want to have to fear for my life, hoping she'll kill me. I don't want this girl in my house.'
I don't…know if they would think that but that's what I keep thinking.
I had another nightmare last night:
The darkness swept over again but this time I just continued to sit. I already knew everything from running to screaming wasn't going to help me. Then something came around me. It whispered something. I didn't hear what it said. I stood up and turned around to try and follow it. I couldn't see anything. It whispered again but this time on the other side of the…area? I was in. I turned around and felt the wind pick up. Wherever I was it was dark, scary, and cold.
I woke up in sweat and kept trying to hear what the voice was telling me. I've replayed the nightmare over and over again… nothing.