Today I am processing an emotion…
According to google the word resentment means: Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. They consider it a multilayered emotion.
Today I am understanding, and processing the emotion of resentment which has probably been the very emotion that has had control over me for the passed fucking 8 years of my life. (please allow me to curse here because this where i share my most deep thoughts and curse words help emphasize the emotion)
If your still with me… then you should know that I am Resentful towards a lot of people but mostly in my intimate relationships. The word itself is just as ugly as it feels. I am so annoyed with how i understand my emotions as i grow older… I am 27. If your younger then i am? let me tell you right now young buck.. Shit is gonna happen.. Your going to react the way you do in the moment of whatever knowledge you have about life. Until you realize your grown up and you have to take responsibility of your reactions because you should know better. That is how growing up happens and it hurts, its shitty but as soon as i am done learning about this emotion it’ll be less shitty for me.
If you are wiser then I am and are well.. older. Just older. I hope you can help share some wisdom or at least take something from this blog.. because we are all here suffering from our own emotions and come here to vent… Which is suppose to be healthy right??
So I kept digging learning that resentment is described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust and anger. Which is more than what I wanted to know.. Its my own fault for trying to be a better person because am forcing myself to face how I treat others.. I am holding myself accountable. And if I am doing that, I am holding on to my safety blanket and nothing good has come from holding on to something or someone who isnt going to better you as a person. And only teach you stupid lessons that make you google resentment. (I am laughing at myself typing this)
I am going to talk about how I have treated my current partner kind of shitty. Do i feel like it is justified? No, I am a horrible person for not having better communication skills. So I practice. I learn and I fucking hate it but I want to be one less shitty person in this… INSANE place called EARTH. I have been passive aggressive to my boyfriend who is actually a sweet guy. I say that because the resentful me wants to name all the reasons I am annoyed with this man so you can understand my view but first I have to explain my shitty behavior.
He supports me.. I am going to school and i am so close to graduation that it takes up 85% of my time and the other percent i like to watch tv to distract me from my shitty life. He stays with me sometimes and goes home for like 2 days. I was staying with him for a while and I told him that the relationship we were going to have might not be what I want in the future because I already had an idea of who he was. He has an addiction with alcohol. He’s not violent, or mean when he is drunk. He sleeps while i do school work. He has no job and doesn’t have to pay rent where he stays. He borrows money he will never give back to his family to feed his addiction. So this is where my resentment begins.
I work hard to earn a degree, use my scholarships to pay my bills and he gets to sleep and drink. Yet i find myself saying mean things to him about how I wish he had a job to help pay for food, gas or even some flowers for me. SO resentment. I saw somewhere that the best way to heal resentment is to write about it. It wont fix the problem but it will identify how to explain and express the emotion.. THUS I LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE. (I still feel anger)
I plan to write a letter to this man explain why It would be better for us to go our separate ways to heal. Im not sure if he would even try to heal.. he’s to deep in his addiction and I am honestly trying to save myself from my own thoughts. how am I suppose to be in love with some who isnt willing to fight their demons. Am i ugly for that? I feel like I am not being treated unfairly, I have a mixture of disappointment, disgust, and anger..
I have written in detail about in my physical journal that has more detail and is to much information for the internet.. But what do you think?
More than twice as old, but probably half as wise.
Looks like you’re protecting yourself, don’t feel guilty.
There’s a book, “Forgive for Good” by Fred Luskin that may help with the resentment – forgiveness not meaning make things okay that shouldn’t be, but preventing them from consuming you alive so you can get on with your life.
I’ve been reading it, and trying to apply it to my own feelings, to varying degrees of success.
My biological father was an alcoholic and he did not start of as violent, but he was insecure and never delt with the demons of addiction. He eventually did become violent and I witnessed him throw my mother down the hall and hit her infront of his kids (my brother and myself)
Now, alcoholism is a very difficult thing to quit and even I feel nobody should ever feel beyond redemption, you also need to set boundaries. When my mother eventually left him, one of the terms of visitation was that he could not drink with us around. He eventually stopped visitation rights because he ultimately chose alcohol.
So with all that round about, you really need to do what I’d best for you. You can be respectful about it, but it will ultimately be up to him to change.