Hey tribers,

I wish I was posting with happiness and good news but I'm not. A couple months ago I went to Hurley in Flint to see apsychologist it was quite a long drive to get there so I only went to 4 appointments but it was a fail so I stopped going. So as usual things in my life have only gotten so much worse and my symptoms along with it. Family suicide attempts and my sister revealed to us that my grandpa molested her as a child and I am pretty sure it happened to me. I refuse to think about it though because its a foggy memory and I don't want to fill in the gaps with misinformation or focus on it. I always think I hit rock bottom and then I realize I shouldve been greatful for the month prior ashorrible as it was. I am now seeing an old therapist who has ocd herself she was my favorite. This I am very hopeful about and will keep you guys updated on my pills and treatments. Besides the OCD and severe depression she believes I also have PTSD. I was like oh goody TT_TT one more thing I have to work on. People say all this will make you stronger, I'm like yeah when things get better and you heal from it. Not now. I feel shattered inside I have so much baggage I have no where to put it. I kicked a hole in my wall a few weeks ago. My swallowing problems are back. New ocd symptom confessing. I confessed about sexual experimentationI did as a child to my mom and sister who also told my therapist only to be giggled at and told its not a big deal theres nothing to forgive this is your ocd but still I am dealing with guilt on a daily basis over this feeling worthless and bad.Also just as a foot note or whatever I would like to add does anyone else get really annoyed with people saying things jokingly about having ocd? At first I was like they don't know any better brushed it off. But when I came forward and told a friend which I don't do, and she thought she'd inform me about the subject with monk and how I want attention, I was livid. This is something very personal and difficult to talk about.People need to make a real effort to not be ignorant to mental illnesses. Also I went to my SSI hearing and should be getting a letter to tell me if I'm approved or denied in the mail anytime. I want YOU reading this to know, I'm truly sorry that you have to go through this. I hope, wish and pray that you find the help you need. Please hold on,THERE IS HELP for you and me, and we've gone through this much pain and suffering to quit now. I feel like my sanity is hanging on by a very tired worn out thread. I am too restless to sleep at night my skin hurts from picking and scrubbling I'm so weak from not eating because of the swallowing problem and throwing up my head feels like I banged it against walls and is full of a thousand thoughts going so fast my eyes dart up and down and I feel a deep rage from being stuck in this endless cycle. BUT I have made the decision that I am riding this wave out no suicide for me. If I go insane I go insane but I am not giving up!