i've fallen so far down the spiral… i went absolutly crazy tonight, i dont know what over came me, i don't even remeber how it started all i know is that once it did i couldnt stop. I've been trying to tell her what i've been doing, but her emotional and mental state is already so shattered that i'm afraid this will tip her over the edge, but i dont think i can risk her finding out on her own it has to be tonight… i'm so scared i dont want to lose her and the baby they really do mean everything to me they are my world. i know that the solution is either i can no longer use the computer at all (so this may be my last post for a while), just lettting me have free range of the computer to better try and find help, or she is going to leave me… i feel like i diserve that. i'm so angry and dissapointed in myself. all i know is that this is going to be hard… and its going to hurt. although this will be the first time that i come out 100% on my own to tell her that i've been looking at porn i feel like i'm a dollar short and a day late for that, i'm so scared of the outcome that i just wanna get a little toasted and go to sleep but thats not an option for me… at least the sleep part. i just need to find the right time to tell her and let it flow. start from the begning and tell her the whole story of my own weakness. shit i din't even think i'd be able to get to any porn on her… oh well the fact is that i did find it, and i didn't stop myself. as a matter of fact after i found out i not only didn't stop but i went back for more, then again, then again, and then tonight i just lost it, i just went so crazy trying to find it that it was like i was before i met her. I'm just a hungry soul trying to find purity in a world of depravity.

 

[UPDATE] i didn't tell her yet again… still just isn't right. I'm hoping today will be better, and so tonight i can really sit down and tell her.

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