I can't stop going down this road. Things are just getting worse. I think of how easy the summer was in comparison to how the fall is going and will go. The summer wasn't perfect, but it was a good time compared to the shit that's going down now.
Mom says I need something to DO, events, places to go. But I'm very depressed right now and do not feel like doing ANYTHING except playing games on FB.
Let me tell you something. Last fall, about one year ago around this time, I was very happy for a few weeks. It only lasted a few weeks. And K was not even in the picture at all. It was because I just started taking Abilify and I felt great. Then after a few weeks, it wore off, and it was like I was taking nothing. I still take it with my prozac but it doesn't do shit to help.. I don't get it! Why did it stop working? When it worked it was great. I felt so good, but. I didn't feel high, I just felt NORMAL, happy but not weird happy. I felt like I could LIVE in the real world and smile each day. But then, like I said, it just stopped helping.. I can't offer any other testimony but that, It's really unfortunate because if it had kept working, I can imagine that I might be living a normal life. I thought I had found the answer, but I guess I am just immune to it now, and I'm back to taking meds that don't do much at all to help me.
This summer I was somewhat depressed, but because I got to see K, sit in the sun, relax, not worry about anything but him (which I am used to and it sucks, but I was still thrilled he was paying attn to me) Eventhough I was depressed, it was ok, I had good days. My life was not a fucking nightmare like it is now. As soon as the summer ended I just got incredibly depressed. For these past few weeks, I wake up and realize I do not want to be awake. I don't care how silly or even bad my dreams are, I'd rather live in my dreams than this reality.
I drink far too much because it's the only time I am not anxious. I eat even more. My therapist does not help other than the fact that it's someone to talk to. I would just as soon give her up, but my parents think that's a terrible idea and I will get worse without therapy.
I feel like there's no where for me to go. I'm afraid to ride in a car, I don't like being home anymore ever since L's son moved back in next door. I can't even check my own cell phone because I'm afraid some bitch who knows K will call me. I don't want to be on FB because I am afraid of what I might say. I am trapped everywhere I go in life. There's nowhere for me to go to feel safe or at ease or happy. I just don't know what to do to get out of it. I can't take care of myself so it's not like I can go anywhere I want anyway.
This is very difficult. I have to find a way to deal with this anxiety without drinking a lot and eating a lot and taking pills that make me feel bad like benzos which I hate.
I'm even thinking I don't want to talk to K anymore. Maybe I should let him go for good, for real. It's too much stress worrying about if he is ever going to want to see me again. If only I had the strength to do that.. then I could deal with other things.