I hate everything about everything right now. I’m under so much strain that I just want to quit everything. Not die. Just quit. Bury my head in reading or writing stories and just quit everything in my life that leaves me drained and unfulfilled. The only thing I don’t hate about my life is being a mom. It keeps me going, even though mentally and emotionally, I feel like I’m just running on fumes.

Grad school is…More obligations. More deadlines. More debt. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the learning. I’ve just got nothing left to give right now. I just want to be done. I want to be able to apply for jobs that are just out of my reach at the moment. I want to put myself in a position where I don’t need a man to support me or my son. 

The problem with my end goal is that my husband would be an absolute nightmare as an Ex. Right now I can influence him to second-guess his own stupidity. When he sees me as an enemy (and he WILL, no matter how much I kill myself trying to take the high road) he will do the opposite of what’s right, just to spite me–never mind the effect his behavior may have on his child. Just like the way he will drink two-three times as much as usual if he gets mad at me and will turn into a mean-spirited, nasty, oafish prick–damn the consequences.

I finally got around to making an appointment for counseling back at the beginning of March. It won’t be until fucking MAY. There’s no help for people until they’re raving and threatening to kill themselves. There’s no avoiding a crisis in this country. They want you half dead and raving mad before anyone gets help–and then they treat you like a negligent fool for “waiting” to do anything about it. It’s so frustrating.

The sum of my life right now? I’m stuck in a marriage, in a house, in a state I don’t want to be in with a man I struggle to like about 75% of the time (he’s actually a pretty good guy first thing in the morning–I’ll give him that). I have a child with special needs that feel way over my ability to see to, because I work a job with a lousy schedule–a job that I’d otherwise be okay with if it wasn’t for the drunk man constantly reminding me of how my schedule practically ruins his life. My mother is in a cult that tells her she should shun my brother for divorcing his ex wife (over a decade ago!!!) and marrying another woman not in the cult that he left. My siblings each live in New Hampshire and Canada, respectively, while I’m stuck in the Midwest, and I have neither the time nor the money to visit either of them. I have no friends anymore. I just lost 130 lbs after weight loss surgery and I’m struggling not to eat my stress/feelings right now, because I’m in grad school and still have job responsibilities to attend to. Oh, and one of my coworkers who works the late night shift got a new job–so now we have to cover her hours and responsibilities. I have a big project due in 3 days and I’m not even halfway done with it. 

I just can’t right now. I feel done. Over everything. Fuck it all.