Hi everyone,

I've been diagnosed for OCD for about 4 years now and am currently finishing my last year in college. Foolishly, when I started feeling better from before, I assumed my OCD was gone. Obviously, this cannot be the case and I know this now as time to time it'd creep up again, but I was better able to manage it, even without medication from the amount of time I had dealt with my OCD.

I wonder now if I had continued taking medication, even when nothing felt wrong, and gone to counseling to talk about things if maybe right now I wouldn't be feeling so awful. I had two types of OCD before, one that centered around me dying and one that centered around me being homosexual. Both were distrubing and upsetting, but strangely I pulled through both with an appreciation of what it means to struggle through something and was 100x happier in the end. When people in college were complaining about papers, it was as if I knew things were much worse and was able to see things in a much more optimistic view after knowing what I had overcome. In Spring of 2011, I traveled abroad and life seemd incredible. I had a greater sense of who I was and felt proud to be me.

I entered a relationship upon my return and we've been dating since, but things have been extremely hard with lies and games. I love him very much, but I think I have entered into that "Fight or flight" mode which is fueling my anxiety and ocd thoughts. I switch between Harm OCD and Homosexual OCD (which I think is an escape from facing reality with my boyfriend or being hurt by another guy). After he was caught lying about texting another girl and meeting up with her, he yelled at me calling me an embarrassment to him and was extremely hurtful. Though I tried to look past it, I feel really bad about myself now and where I once was thinking I was gorgeous and was excited to be around guys, I now feel like I am awful, ugly, mean. The mean part kicks in and I start worrying that I must wanna hurt somebody or kill them or must be out to get kids or pets (which I love dearly). It may seem stupid, but when the thoughts start and spiral out of my control, its very upsetting and I'm not sure what to do. Is there anybody who can attest to stress fueling OCD more? My sister was recently in a bad car accident, too and I'm not sure whats wrong with me but my OCD immediately kicked in when I went to see her at the hospital. I just really want to feel okay again and wake up feeling excited to be me again.