My name is K. I’m 20 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was a kid, but I don’t know if that’s my problem entirely. Right now I feel so beyond depressed. And I have OCD in the sense that I worry alot and I obsess over what others must think and I’m so tired of not being able to express how I feel because I’m always so worried I’ll locked away in a mental institution. But I feel so suicidal and have been feeling this way for about three weeks. I just feel like an angsty teenager when I say that, but its such a deep rooted feeling. The worst feeling in the world. I have been feeling so bad lately. It stems from one large incident but alot of things trigger it. I have a bit of a metabolism issue and daily I look at my younger brother who is much bigger than me now and I look around on campus and see all these guys who I just feel are more attractive than I am, and bigger and they can wear t-shirts and I can’t because I’m so skinny that people comment on my arms. I used to talk to a female friend of mine who shared some of my OCD symptoms and a bit of a lonely girl at times herself. And I used to think I could trust her. She broke up with me a few years back and though it hurt badly and I still have feelings for her to this day, we remained friends. And occasionally she would hurt my feelings by telling me guys she had things for and just recently out of the blue we went to see a movie and everything was fine and the next day she began getting angry with me for seemingly no reason. And shes been accusing me of things and putting me down badly. So I kept asking her what was wrong and she kept saying nothing was and that I’m pathetic. I just kept asking what I did wrong and she wouldnt tell me. And so I emailed her today and told her that I was blocking her from AIM and every other online means and that she could meet me where I work and explain to me what I’ve done wrong and we could be friends again or reply to the email and explain or I’ll never speak to her again and I never want her to speak to me again. She didnt show up and she didnt reply. And now I just feel lower than low. Like I did something wrong, like I’m a weird person. I can’t get close to anyone and it seems like as soon as they get close to me they hate me. I’m destined to fail in social settings, no one respects me. And I’m sick of it all, and I just wish it could all end. And what can I do? I cant afford a good psychiatrist. And every free counciler I’ve ever been to has been crazier than me. I’ve tried medicine and it has only made things worse. I have absolutely nowhere to turn and no one. In terms of personal success I’ve got much to live for. I’m in a band that is in the process of being signed. I write all the songs, sing and play guitar in the group. But none of it feels as if it matters when you have no one very close to share it with. I just don’t connect with anyone. And all in all in the end, I’m always the outsider. I feel as if I’m outsider in my own band even. Not that I don’t get along with the others but I just cant connect, and they do their thing and I seem to drift about my own way. I don’t know what to do. I need something good in a personal way to happen and nothing has happened in over three years. Whats wrong with me? Why can’t I think like normal people? All these questions constantly pop into my mind. I’d give all the music, all the times people have ever thrown ‘genius’ or ‘ingenius’ or any other load of bullshit applauded anything and I’d trade it all for just the ability to be like everyone else.
-K