16th March 2015.

Well the holiday that I have been so excited about, and counting down the days, is over.

We had a lovely time, fun and laughter. Now I am back at work, I dont feel like I had a break at all.

Im feeling flat now. I want to feel like I did before, I saw my psychiatrist on Thursday and we had a good chat about the holiday.  This week I speak with my Psychologist and can hash out why the let down now. What I can do to get that high feeling again. My meds are working well. My psych said we wont change the dose in any way for at least 12 months as my depression is severe.

My little dog was very happy to see me. She is my warm heart beat that I give all my love to. My friend that looked after her said she was ok while on her holidays there. My bub had three seizures in the weeks before I left and I have had a long chat with the vet about what to do. He said she might grow out of it, but if not they dont usually medicate the dog unless she is having them everyday because the side effects of the meds is worse than the fit. I would just make her drowsy all the time.  And I can see that after the fit she comes back to the nutty dog within a few minutes, running around and playing as normal.

I seem to have come back to the same rut. I need to go to the shop yet I sit here AGAIN. I was so up to date with the ironing that I was looking for stuff to do, yet now once again I have three loads sitting there and I sit here watching tv. My dog has slept day and night for the last 16 days cos Im to ??????? to take her out for a walk. Why am I like this? I get myself so angry. I was great on the ship, I even used the stairs instead of the lift half the time, Yes I was breathless and had a few niggles in the chest but it passed quickly.

If I could reach I would give myself a kick up the posterior, I can't so a good stern talking to will have to suffice. Will I listen? Will it change anything? I will see. Yes I know it's all up to me. But I wish it wasn't. I wish someone could just be here with me to motivate, I find that I can do anything with someone but alone I am stuck in anxiety, (If I go out wil I be ok) Dont know why I do that. Of course I am ok. I go to work without any thought or trouble. I have to take my sister to get her cast off her arm and I will do that without any problems, so why when I am alone do I physically stutter and then talk myself out of acting. Or moving. Arrggghhh I could just slap myself silly.