“Btw, I can’t convince u not to attempt to kys so if you wouldn’t mind deleting the text log before you try again, so that if you succeed I am not asked about your passing.” – a friend

The pain in my skull was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. The pain of the tremors to heart ache, arrhythmia could not match my emotional turmoil. In that moment I realized the purpose of life. Nothing. If there was a god I would ask him why my life was designed only to feel pain. Now I know better. Life is just cruel. I think something deep inside of me must’ve been broken, because I’m starting to wish I’d died a long time ago. I remember when I was dying for the first time in year I wanted to live. At first I was glad I lived, but a few hours later I just felt the same. I almost wanted to do the same old thing to feel a will to live again even for a second. Maybe some people think I’m weak but they don’t know the broken feeling inside of them; that no one cares, that it’s all hopeless. I think I just wanted to decide the course of my life instead of being a weak pushover. The crisis chat lines didn’t answer. I pushed off killing myself for nine days; not the 15 minutes they say a crisis lasts for online… Like for most days I wished I was dead for every one of them. (01/19/22)

This is a short chapter from my life I wanted to share I’m doing much better now. Time has wasted me, but I suppose to live is to rebel. After my only friend left me I became fairly unstable. I was anxious any time I saw them; any time I thought I saw them or something that reminded me of them. Getting more friends I can count on has helped me move on a lot. Although I’m still often depressed, and this is one of the things I ruminate on, the pain has dulled… Life doesn’t move on per se, just easier to live with.