It's always "iffy" whether or not I get to type anything on this website.  I used to be fairly prolific in documenting my depression, but major events, plus the tendency of the dialogue box to not fully load for me, conspired to vastly limit my output.

Anyway, I have a shitty little job with shitty little hours, and it keeps me tired, but rarely sleepy.  Today I got sleepy.  I decided to take a brief nap, but I don't think that's going to happen now. 

When I picked up my phone I had a text message from my (sadly) ex-wife, asking to talk to me about the holiday schedule with the kids.  Only six minutes had passed according to the timestamp on the text, so I called her up.

It was both strange and refreshing to speak with her without hearing any bitterness or anger in her voice.  She lacked the happiness in her speech that I grew used to hearing over sixteen years (only 10 of those years married), but it was much nicer than the tones she has had for me over the last two.  The conversation wasn't anything major.  We already knew that she would have the kids for Thanksgiving, and I would have them for Christmas.  She just wanted to figure out the details.  I have to be at work on the day after Thanksgiving at 12:01am, and do not know when I will be allowed off the clock.  Regardless, I will drive out to her house and pick up the kids once I am off.  Christmas turns out to be on my regular weekend to have the kids (not the reason I have them for Christmas this year).  They're having their Christmas on the 24th, and she's going to drive them out here that evening.  Since they are out of school for winter break, I will keep them a few extra days, and take them home the following Wednesday night after she gets home from work. 

It was a short and easy conversation, but I will not be napping.  I may not even be getting to sleep tonight.  See, she no longer has feelings for me.  In fact, she went so far as to say that she was so upset with me and my neuroses that she made a conscious decision to stop caring.

I can't do that.

I am still madly in love with her, as I have been for 16 years.  After I hung up the phone, I had to concentrate on maintaining enough control to not vomit.  I have little doubt that I will be shitting brown water tomorrow, as the very concept of her twists my guts like a knot.

This shit was supposed to get easier with time.

I miss her so much.


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