Like possibly lots of other people this is my first time ever posting, but it is something that has been burning my mind for a long and but most strongly for the past few months. This may get long but bear with me. Like the title of the blog says I am a Christian woman (46) and even though I have never verbalized it possibly because of the stigma it carries or who knows what, I have lesbian tendencies. (See, even there I couldn’t say it well). All my life I have felt different than what the world deems normal. I was a tomboy growing up, the oldest of 4 and the only woman. I think I started to get feelings for a girl-friend when I was 10 or 11. I remember to this day the electric shock I felt when she innocently put her arms around my shoulders, that was the first time I started to have feelings I didn’t understand but couldn’t possibly ever say something about it last of all to my old fashioned almost nun super catholic mother. I sort of got obsessed with this “friend” and could not wait to recreate the same conditions where she first touched me and shook my world. I think she knew and it wasn’t until much later on that I realized she may had had a hunch but sort of played me and enjoyed the attention but behind my back she had made me the joke of the neighborhood. (Her mom did not like me, by the way, I guess I was too much of a tomboy to be friends with her daughter). So the feelings got buried and nothing happened until my junior year in high school. Another friend resurrected the old feelings, it was just the physical non sexual (dont call me lame please) contact… that was electrifying. We wrote to each other very intense letters and unofficially declared love to one another (we were never girlfriends), this one was a Christian girl… and guess what her mom did not like me either, probably for the same reason. Fast forward to 3rd year in college, when another close friend and I playfully kissed and then kissed for real and this time we went all the way, take a wild guess, yes there was another mother that hated my guts… The real kicker that almost put me over the edge, that made me wish I was dead was the last woman I was with, married, one of my clients, with 2 children I knew very well. She got into my head so deep I had to leave and even miles and miles away I always worried she would knock on my door one day. All the time while I went through these experiences my heart was telling it was very wrong, that was not how God intended it to be, so naturally there was deep guilt until I found peace in Him, ( I know this may be hard for some people to accept or understand, but to me God is good and loving and wonderful and I have never known Him to be nothing but the purest definition of love). So I gave my life to Him, hoping that my “malfunction” would be fixed and I would become “normal” through Him and being involved in church which I attended until about a year and a couple of months ago. I had lots of questions and I wanted to deepened my understanding and relationship with Him and I trusted my leaders but somehow, some way we parted ways  and I got discouraged so I told them I was moving on and they were not too happy about it. Long story short I do not attend any church at the moment. I put a lot of restrictions on myself to avoid the sin of being homosexual. I should mention, I had 2 very short relationships with men (never physical) but they could not compare with the ones I had with the last 2 women. So, now, here i am, sort of in limbo land unable to make make peace with what I feel and what i believe. Some days are better than others i should say. I am not involve with anyone… heck i have no social life and no friends and no one knows the things I have written here. Just whoever was patient enough to read through it all and could keep up with the rantings of my mind. So if anyone out there has ever felt or is experiencing something like this please, comment, add me as a friend, talk to me. I am sure there are people out there, adults, not t