This is the story of me, discovering my sexuality and how it’s been a juggling act for the past 2 years.
If she someone finds this… oh dear. God I hope not, if so, sorry?
I grew up in a Christian household that was relatively positive. My aunt is lesbian and married, my parents supportive expect for marriage.
Growing up, I was the one that played with the boys. Even to this day, I still play Pokemon and go on walks in the woods. I was the tomboy, spitting on the street, getting dirty, and refusing to wear dresses. I got older and mature, even more than my sister that is slightly older than me.
Even at a young age, I never wanted kids. It’s just not me, I would rather have a successful career and a houseful of animals than kids running around.
It was not until I was maybe 13 or 14 when I realized that I didn’t fully agree with my parents opinions about people in general. They would constantly talk crap about women who dressed how they wanted and how marriage should be between man and woman. I never thought it was a big deal, other people getting married regardless of their gender didn’t affect them, so why did they care? My sister adapted their homophobic behavior, but she is a lot worse. We were never close, so I really don’t care.
Anyways. I think I was 16 when I met the girl that made me question things.
My mother got a 2nd job at a pet supply store. I was visiting her on one of the first couple nights she worked. I was by the reptiles and than I saw her, a stunning young woman with the brightest blue eyes that made me think “hot dang” (Except not “dang”).
It was weird. I had only ever been attracted to guys, the stupid and immature guys my age. But here she was, even her voice makes my heart skip a beat.
I would occasionally visit my mother, not to see this girl but pleasantly surprised to get a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. I never mentioned her to any of my friends, I never thought of it. One day, I went to the store with my lesbian friend and on the way back to my house, I finally confided in her, saying that I found the girl attractive. She agreed and encouraged for me to talk to her, which to this day I still struggle to do.
I would go in to visit my mom about 6 months ago when it really hit me. I was chatting with my mother after bringing her some food and she came over and started gushing about her new cat she rescued. It was the cutest thing.
I had a couple concerns though, I didn’t know if she was even gay in some way, her age, and if she was single.
My mother talks about this girl, well, an odd amount. Literally, one of her favorite coworkers oddly enough. She randomly tells me thinks about the girl, like how she didn’t go to prom because “they” wouldn’t let her wear a suit. That was my first sign that she may be a lesbian.
More recently in the past couple months, my mother randomly compares the two of us, how “Oh! Me and (Girl) were talking and you two are just so similar! You’d both be perfectly fine living out your lives with animals.”
Neither of us apparently want kids, or marriage, we both are animal people.
About 4 months ago, everything changed. I was talking to my mother about one of my friends struggling relationship, how her and her (now ex) girlfriend were going crazy fast. Out of nowhere, she says,”(The girl) says that most lesbians are ready to move in after the 2nd date”. That was it, that was the answer I needed.
So she is, in fact, a lesbian. Sweet. Except that I also learned that she is more than a couple years older, but age is just a number and I consider myself mature for my age.
Well, I ended up getting a job at the same place. Not because of her, but I really wanted the job for awhile and they had an opening. They all knew me from visiting my mother and coming in with my dog, so I fit right in.
I have worked with her a little bit, and chatted with her a little, but I’m still super awkward.
I’m still closeted. I am safe, I know my family will love me and I am lucky. I know that. My sister I am sure will not agree, but I don’t need her opinion to be happy. My aunt knows, because I needed her help dealing with some crappy coworkers that said very homophobic things. It’s just that I need to sit down and tell them and I suck at confrontation.
Earlier this week, I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to see a new horror movie and my best friend was working this weekend so I didn’t know if she wanted to go with me. The girl pips up “Oh! I want to see that!”
Long story short, we are seeing the movie tomorrow and I’m freaking out. I know that it is completely platonic and I am okay with that, but the feelings inside is chaotic and terrorizing because I’m head over heels for her.
I don’t know how to hint that I swing both ways. I have a habit of overthinking and I have crazy anxiety about everything.