Hey everyone, I’m Jan and I’m 20 going to 21. I identify myself as bisexual. Actually, it can be Pan as well, but I somehow prefer bisexual.
So, I had a quite “normal” life in matter of my sexual. Besides I was bullied nearly my whole school life. The reason; I was different to them and the people at my school simply didn’t like me. At that point, my sexuality wasn’t a matter. Neither for me nor for others. Later then, I started thinking about that, from now it’s a couple of years ago, might be more, but I don’t exactly know now. Well, long time I were thinking, it was a little late for me to come up with the idea and the feeling something was different. For quite long, I denied myself. I didn’t want this “gay feeling”. And yeah I haven’t mentioned yet, but I thought I were gay for long. Time passed, when I occasionally had the urge to see some hoy guy and, of course, I was long thinking it were wrong to want this. No it just wasn’t! Then fast forward in Time, I found the courage to tell my mum I was gay. What came next shattered me. My mum showed acceptance though she really told me I wouldn’t be in balance with myself, so If I’m not in good mood I were gay, and if not I were heterosexual . She really got me with this. I trusted her this, she wants to be tolerant and said this, it’s still the case but I get to this at the end. Well, I had never told her about further progression in finding myself. Now we come to the part when I started to accept myself for who I am. About 2 years ago, this I know for sure, I had my first men crush, with whom I really had intesive day dream and other imaginations. Sadly, I never asked him out, but I assume he wasn’t actually gay so it doesn’t matter. Nonetheless I really enjoyed those day dreams. I really was in the middle of my self-identify phase plus I found myself being gay. Then another year passed, I was settled with being gay, when I found myself watching after attractive girls(not restricted to only school), in this school year I had a different class again, so the previous year I had an only boy class(although we have girls at school in general), now we had 3 girls in class, it started harmlessly, I was just sitting with my friends(addition: I was most of my life a lonely wolf). Later on I got in contact with those girls. I made friends with them. I even moved sitting places for them. At the end of that school year the one of them became my girlfriend, that was last year. Yeah I never had a girlfriend in 20 years. I’m wondering who has thought I were gay all the time as well. But although I finally got a girlfriend, and you probably already guessed what my mum said about it, despite that my tendency towards men didn’t fade. During my relationship, I quickly told my girlfriend how I generally feel, so I said that I’m bisexual, ’cause I knew at that point that I surely am. And she accepted me, which is super awesome. But I don’t wanna talk about my relationship with her for now, which ended at the beginning of this month, but I am not sad about it. Quickly, a second girl followed, who I was friends with before. Actually, we weren’t together but we made out, she was okay with it but she has incalculable phases, which she has to cope first before we can get together at all. It’s not me I know that, and I know I almost gave all to her. She then took it, was partly so cute to me, but then crushed it. She can deal damage, but can’t take. To come to an end of this long post, I’m currently single because the things above I mentioned. I noticed that one single feeling is always coming back, the longing towards men. Does this make me gay? Besides that, Even though, I am bisexual, this doesn’t have to mean I’m 50/50 into men and women. Though I’m really into men, I must admit.
Thank you for your attention, I know it is a long post, it’d be super great if you take your time and read, if you want to. If there are issues about understanding, feel free to ask.