This is a long one, folks. I suppose I just have to see the contents of my brain typed out so I can try to make sense of them.

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So, my boyfriend and I left the house earlier today to go and set up his guitar rig early at the club he played tonight so we could go help his grandmother with a few things before he had to go BACK to the club and play the gig. Got all that?

Anyway, I HATE going to that club. I don\'t go to his gigs (often) anyway because I get creeped out by the crowds and the drunks and the skanks and the hustlers. I hate how he ignores me because he\'s in "gig mode" (which I TOTALLY understand because I have the same focus when I\'m working, but I feel so vulnerable when I\'m in public that I just wish I could cling to him.) I hate the people who like me because I\'m his girlfriend and the people who hate me because I\'m his girlfriend. I hate it all! Well, I love the music. But otherwise fucking I hate it. Anyway, this club is the worst of his steadys though. It\'s in a VERY trendy, yuppie, entitled part of town.

Anyway, on a day like today, when I\'m with him and we go to set up his gear so we have time to go help Granny, I\'m ALL BUSINESS. The club is mostly dead anyhow, a few people are there drinking and having a late-lunch or early-dinner. But those old cats don\'t care about me. They just mind their own like I do so we get along fine. But I\'m always afraid of running into someone who knows me. I\'m not there to socialize! I don\'t have the necessary focus to pretend that I like you right now. I\'m not wearing any make-up and I feel self-conscious. I just want to get this shit done and get out! I DREAD seeing anyone.

Now, I must add here, my boyfriend doesn\'t ask for my help with his gear, he would be fine with me waiting for him in the truck, but it\'s so much faster with both of us working and if I just sat there I would only be worried about what people were thinking of me while walking by. So it\'s totally my decision to help.

Well, today we get there and I grab 3 of the guitars and walk in and who is there but the owner of the bar who is an elitist bastard anyway but has always addressed me with a certain level of contempt. He doesn\'t say anything to me, and I turned my eyes away as soon as I saw him. Anyway, I tell the bf when I get back to the truck for another load that the owner is there. So he goes in and gets into a conversation, the owner NOT taking the hint that we have other shit to do (it\'s hard to cut your boss off and the bf is a super nice guy.) Anyway, while they\'re talking, I\'m bringing gear in.

When I\'m out at the truck getting the last amp, the owner walks out. He doesn\'t look at me and he\'s walking in the opposite direction. He said SOMETHING LIKE "What, are you his official roadie? I hope he\'s paying you." At first I didn\'t realize he was talking to me then I realized what he said and that it must be directed at me so I stammer something stupid like "He\'s a really nice guy." …right…like, okay, does that have ANYTHING to do with what he said? Why am I so frickin\' stupid? Why can\'t I just smile and not say anything? Why do I feel like I HAVE to respond? By saying something dumb instead of saying nothing at all don\'t I PROVE that he\'s better than me and doesn\'t that just give him permission to treat me as an inferior? I just hate that about myself. Why do I feel like he and others like him with their Escalades and tooth-whitening and fake tans DESERVE attention from me?

Why do I feel like I have to respond to everything every asshole says?