Every day, lately, i keep feeling like i’m going to fall into a deep sleep.  Every day i feel like i’m so exhausted.  No matter what, if anything, is going on or that i may need to get accomplished in that particular day/evening, i feel like i’m running on fumes.  *sigh  My guess is simple:  i know my body’s got issues going on, and it needs attention–so, i have an appointment set up for the 9th; my mind is thoroughly drained, since so much has happened, as well as all the constant processing; my heart just feels so heavy and lost, most days, due to losing Shelby and the mere fact that i’ve been away from my blood family for more than seven years, now.  It seems like it’s not a big deal, when i write about it.  But, when you add everything together, it’s a huge load.  i try to find simple things to keep me busy, from just watching the birds outside, to cleaning.  It’s just hard for my body to keep up with my mind, especially in cleaning or ‘go’ mode.  i know other people’s actions should not affect my own actions, but for the most part, they do.  i get so bent-outta-shape, internally, that i try to push my body to get more done, which winds up causing me further issues.  Some days, i hope for better–somehow, some way, something better.  i just figure it never will get any better, and this ‘life’ has been one huge comedy of errors.  *sigh  Others, i still continue to hold on to that tiny ray of hope.                                                                                         If anyone were to tell me just a few years ago that i’d wind up like this, i probably woulda laughed at them.  i really could not see being in a close relationship with my current husband, as well as someone else, at the same time.  i know i’ve done some really non-traditional things, especially in these past eight years or so.  But, then again, my life has never really been anything close to what people would deem as normal.  One feeling i constantly feel:  let down–disappointment in other people’s actions.  i really don’t understand why people find it so impossible to mean what you say and say what you mean, as well as keep your word and not just talk outta your arse.  Why is this so hard for people to understand?  It’s simple.  Stop making excuses and get off your duff and be productive–even just a little.  Don’t constantly blame other people for YOUR mistakes.  If you’re not doing anything, you sure don’t have any right to judge someone else.  Common sense?  PLEASE!!!!!  If you don’t have it, please keep your mouth shut.  –i know, that’s more a dream than reality.–All together, it tends to wear me down, beyond the dark places.  So, what can i do?  Keep trying….i guess.  No matter how many times i get slapped in the face, there’s got to be one person who actually gets it and understands.  *sigh  If it’s never meant to be, then i wish it would just let me go……………….

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