October 8th, 2010, Day 3 on meds and off work.

Not much to say today except that I am smilier than usual.. Not due to meds but due to sleep and rest and peace of mind and more sleep and staying in pj`s and not haveing anxiety attacks.  I actually look better, my face is not puffy and I am laughing at things I forgot were funny.  I don`t feel the need to shatter right now.  I know that this is a slow start but it is like night and day for me in under a week.  There will be other bad times but for now I am marveling at the good.

I organized something small today.. just sewing buttons and changing bed sheets,  I am taking it easy.  I will start at home yoga when I feel like it.

I have forgotten what it is to want to cook.. REALLY FORGOT.. Thank god for my boyfriend who does al lthe cooking. I usually just grumped my way through it and hated everysecond of it or did nto eat at all.. all the meanwhile feeling guilty and never being able to offer him part and me and for him to come home to lovely smells and rest for a night.  Today, he was out and I found myself in my joggers and slippers at 3pm just standing in the kitchen rubbing my toes on the floor and not thinking at all.  Usually, I would need music all the time to avoid being with my thoughts and I instinctivly reached for my mp3 but put it down and I was ok to actually be with myself.  no anxiety.. or very little,.. I was more amazed that I had the focus to pick up a cookbook, sit down at the table like a lady of leisure and flip throught the pages.. and I actually wanted to.  I started the recipe and realized that I was missing onions and before, I would have gotten frustrated and tired and just gave up and I thought about it, I actually shut the book and walked away and then I realized that it was ok to go to the corner store. I made like 4 phone calls during the recipe but I finished it with love and I even made garlic bread.  For me, this was a HUGE success. I did not feel depleted after cooking and I forced myself to go for a 15 minute walk.  My boyfriend looked at me and said it was really nice to see me smile and to have pink in my cheeks.  That meant the world to me.  What a realization to have that I really am a smily person, that I really do love my boyfriend.

three days ago I could not even think about leaving the house, now I am open to hitching a ride to my sisters next friday, we will see.  

Today I realized how much of a love and support system I have.  I am touched by all the notes from my coworkers I got. Here is what I say to everyone  :