Wow. Been a while since I have been on here. I really haven't needed it. Which I guess is a good thing in the end right? But it's bad that I need it now…
So I got accepted into Aurora University about a week or so ago. Yay! Mind you that it's in Illinios and I am in Indiana. So my family is not thrilled to say the least. My mother keeps shooting off reasons for me to stay. Money. Being Alone. Failing… I know it's because she is scared for me and doesn't want to see me go so quickly. But… It's nights like these that are the reason why I need to leave.
Walk in the door after walking from my home. Out of breathe of course because god knows how bad my lungs are. So I walk in and instantly get hit with the smoke smell…. Yay! Whatever… I go to do the dishes and mother comes home, distracting me. So I'm polite, ask her how her day was, and instantly she is like why do you want to know. Now, mind you, I was just asking to see how she was. I know she doesn't like her job so I was trying to be nice. But obviously that wasn't good enough. So I thought I might as well broach the topic of possibly not going to school tomorrow. Tomorrow starts finals week, meaning we have two periods a day each consisting of 3 hours. Tomorrow we have G1 and G2. Do you want to know what i have both G1 and G2? Study Hall. I have STUDY HALL! So I was like, there is not need for me to go. And she says, "Well after that Bullsh*t you pulled on Friday, my answer is no."
Now let me just tell you about Friday. This may be a long post and I'm sorry in advance if anyone is bored enough to read it. But anyways. Friday, I was set to go over to a friend's house over the weekend. Now I don't traditionally pack ahead of time because normally I have enough time to do so before she gets her. So I get home and mother walks in the door. We say our hellos and then she hands me an item to wrap for X-mas. Then she leaves to pick up her BF's kids. And I'm like okay… so I go wrap it because I thought they were also getting my brother over the weekend (it was his gift) and I was like, I'm sure it will be nice to have a present under the tree to feel wanted and such. So I wrap it and then I pack and do some other tidying up with my room because I know mother likes it clean before I head out. By the time I am done, my friend gets here and we leave.
Later on I get a call. From my mother. Apparently I forgot to wash the (at most) five dirty cups and I forgot to feed and water my dog. Now I get paid to do the dishes (the money however I never see because it goes to my phone bill which is 50 a month)and let me tell you, she always f-ing reminds me because of it. One little speck? "I PAY YOU TO DO THE DISHES AT LEAST DO THEM PROPERLY" Forget one little cup that wasn't even in the line of fire for dishes? "I PAY YOU TO DO THE DISHES AT LEAST WASH THEM ALL" It's five little cups and normally, she wouldn't care. Why she decided today was the day that I'm going to yell at your daughter for something small and forgetfull, I haven't a clue. Well I do but that's another post. And now onto the dog. I HATE THAT DOG! She is forever eating my underwear (Yes, I know, why leave it on the floor in the first place? I'm f-ing forgetful. CAN'T YOU TELL?!) and other products of mine. She is always getting me in trouble with the food and water. It's said that dogs don't eat unless their owner is present and I am obviously NOT her owner because she'll eat as soon as she sees my mother. And because of this, my mother will glance down at the bowl (That was full after I got home) and yell at me for it being empty. I imagine that this was the case yet again and I was to blame because mother wasn't home for some time apparently so she must have been dying of hunger and thirst (Because she's not super fat already). Now I didn't look at the bowl in the first place, so I don't know if it was full or not when I was there, because as I said, I HATE THE DOG. Not only that, but my mother is usually the one to do it so I never worry about it. But hey, who cares if you hurt your daughter's feelings.
I need out. I hate this living situation and I just hate life in general because of it. I feel unwanted and alone as soon as I step foot inside my house. My lung are terrible. I can't even go up a flight of stairs without feel as if my chest is on fire while someone is squeezing my lungs. I get random attacks where no matter how hard and long I breath in, I still can't seem to get enough air in my lungs. They are getting more worst as the days go by and I don't want that. I want to be able to feel wanted and be free and feel as if I can breathe. Because let me tell you, you don't realize how much you love breathing until you are laying flat on the ground, gasping for air. Or leaning against the wall as your hand clenches your chest in hopes that that somehow will pump it into your lungs. You just don't understand!
No one really does.