I think that the days I have off work are the hardest. My fiance and my roomates work during the day, Monday through Friday, while I work nights and weekends. This leaves me at home, bored, looking for things to keep my mind occupied. When Ben left this morning at 6, I couldn't go back to sleep, so I cleaned out a box we have in our bedroom full of paraphenelia. I trashed about $1200 in glass.

I go to my first NA meeting tonight. The closest one is about 30 minutes from my house. I really wish there were a support group closer to my house. While I'm nervous about my first meeting, I'm eager to talk to other people in person who will understand what I am going through.

I've felt good about myself the last couple of days. Resisting temptation is hard, but it passes and I feel incredible when it is over. I have reassesed my friends, and have kept very few of them. My best friend is going with me to my meeting tonight. It made me feel good that he wants to quit using too, considering I was the one who got him started back. And while I feel guilty about it, knowing that he is following my lead now makes me feel better.

I told my younger sister (age 20) today that I had a problem, but I've been clean for three days. I was worried she would be upset with me and stop having anything to do with me, but she was very supportive. And while her adoptive parents (we had a rough childhood) don't want her having any contact with me, she said she would be there no matter what, like she always has been.

My fiance told me last night that he's taking me to the beach for my birthday next weekend. I think that it will be a good thing for us to get out of town for a couple days, just the two of us. It will do us some good to be miles away from any drug contacts we have, soak up some sun and swim.

I feel the best today that I have all week, all month really. I feel alive. Now I'm going to work on my music. Maybe guitar, maybe bass, maybe drums or lyrics, I'll know when I pick it up. Hopefully my music will help someone else as much as it is helping me.