I fear death. Not for me but for everyone I love. At a young age I dealt with death in my family. First my uncle died, my father’s younger brother, from what I am not sure since I was too young (age 8) at the time to understand. The next year, almost to the month, my grandpa, my father’s dad, died and that just broke me. Sadly my uncle and I weren’t as close as I would have liked but my grandpa and I had a bond like none other. I never cried at my grandpa’s funeral as I fought back the tears so I could be strong for my dad. After that I was never the same. I didn’t want to talk with anyone, play with anyone, nothing. My relationship with my dad became nothing and only recently have we started one again nearly ten years later. Then came again another death, my dog Snuggles died from cancer of the nose. I got her when I was just a little over a year old and she passed when I was 13. She was so weak and I saw her in pain and I fed her broth to help her eat. The day we were going to take her to get put down she passed away.  And then when I was 14 my uncle, my mother’s brother-in-law, passed away from skin cancer. I never learned how to deal with any of those deaths. I still cry anytime I think of them. This past march I no longer was pregnant and that death haunts me to this day and will forever. My aunt is in kidney failure right now, and my grandfather just had a heart attack and colon cancer four years ago and I fear he will be taken from me any day now. I feel like if I loose one more person then I will have a breakdown I can’t come back from. I’ve never learned how to deal with death. Any suggestions on how to move on from wounds that have been made so long ago and from new ones too? I want move on but don’t know how anymore. The pain of all of that has been such a burden and makes me fear loosing anyone else to the point that I have panic attacks from just thinking about it.

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