Last march I feel like I made one of the worst choices I will ever make in my life. I had an abortion since I was convinced that it was best. No it wasn’t but I found out too late. I was three months pregnant at the time and every time I see a new baby or a picture of an embryo I break down in tears. I thought everything was going to be fine but deep down I knew it never would be and I was going through this alone. I love that baby with all my heart and knowing I killed my baby haunts me. Because of this I feel that I don’t deserve another child. It’s a topic that is too painful to really talk about and as I type this I can’t stop crying and drinking to dull the pain. I’m not looking for sympathy but I need to talk some how. After I made the choice to fail my child I have drank or smoked something to escape this life and cut myself and tried to kill myself (I would have been successful if my son’s father hadn’t found me). I don’t want to forget my baby but I need to grieve and start up with my life again. I mean, how can I ever move on from the worst thing I think I could ever do? There is no making up or going back in time so what can I do? I’m still going through it alone since the father, my son’s father, said the only thing he hated about the abortion was that it cost too much. Not like that made things worse, NOOOOOOOOOO. At the clinic they made it sound so easy but knowing my baby was killed there and just thrown away like garbage crushed me. I can’t even drive within a mile of there without breaking down. I miss that baby, my angel, so much. I will always love my baby. That was all I thought about when it was over; they sat me in the “recovery room” to sit alone in silence. The only thing I wanted to do in there was get my baby back. I regretted it and always will. I miss my baby so much and I hate myself for the pain I caused my baby. I want my baby; I don’t want this life of mine. I would do anything to give that baby life again even if it meant my own.

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