I started out the day so very angry. I was angry about many things. It was a bit amazing to me because I so rarely become angry. As the day went on I just felt worse and worse.
I came online in the evening and there were messages and blog comments awaiting me. The support from my DT friends here and the messages from one specific friend helped change my mood. I no longer feel angry or awful….just content and completely drained. I havent been able to do a thing this afternoon. I am not answering my phone or texts. The only person who called was a company looking for money anyway. The two texts were just ex friends looking for help and advice.
I am sitting on my bed. My little Mattie has been clinging to me today. She seems to know something is wrong with me. She hasnt left me alone for a single minute. Its just what I've needed. Sometimes it feels so good to have her warm little body sitting on me it brings tears to my eyes. When I look outside my window I can see the trees and forest. Its been good for my soul living here. I can feel it. Its just that there is so much damage and things are so difficult right now……I know that I will feel better and stronger as soon as I can find my feet.
Tomorrow is Saturday. Weekends are hardest for me right now because I cant do anything on the weekends to help get us out of this situation we are in. I will have to try to find something relaxing to do. Maybe finishing unpacking the living room will make me feel a little better. The clutter is getting to me lol.
I can hear this robin singing outside the window. I am so very lucky to live where I live now. I just wish the good could penetrate deep into me and bring light to the inside of me. I know for sure that my many protective walls are keeping me alive and keeping me from losing it right now…….but sometimes I think they also keep things that are good for me out. I dont believe I will ever feel safe enough and strong enough to get rid of those walls…….but one can dream.