why does it seem when I need someone the most that I am the most alone.

 

3 years ago I pulled a child out of a swimming pool and watched her die in front of me.  She remained brain dead but on life support for 5 days before her family decided to discontinue life support.  I was right there, there was nothing I or anyone could do,she had a seizure while swimming.  I have been haunted by visions of this event since it happened.  Seeing her in the pool, doing cpr, watching as she vomited repeatedly from it, seeing her turn blue.  I can’t get rid of it.  She was my daughter’s friend, I loved her

 Now another child has died.  I didn’t witness this one but it seems to be affecting me in a similar way.  I am so saddened by this and for this poor family that has lost a father/husband 7 weeks ago and now a brother/son.  This is incomprehensible to me and I can’t even imagine what they are going through and it is breaking my heart.  And again, there is nothing I or anyone else can do.  I have been keeping my child that much closer to me this week, I have been crying and weeping at any given time during the day.  I sit her alone and sad and feeling so helpless.  and this isn’t even my child, just a boy I knew that Anna went to school with and IM’d in the evening.  I just don’t know how to deal with children dying before they had a chance to experience life.  He will never grow up, graduate, go to college, he wanted to play baseball forever and in college.  He was such a wonderful pitcher and he when it got down to the wire he would pull them through and win the game!  He will never have a real girl friend or get married or have kids or anything like that.  He will never again be able to hug his mother.

 I know you don’t really care about this so much but it is tearing me up.  Why is death so hard on those that are left behind?  These kids that he knew so well and went to school with in the same class for so many years are devestated and I don’t know what to say to them.  I don’t know how to help my daughter through this.

I have been depressed for a little over a month but it was manageable.  This has pushed me over the edge and I am in such a fog that I can’t seem to do anything but sit here and stare at my beautiful child and hope and pray that this will never happen to her.  I spent the first few days doing, I had to keep busy, cleaning, cooking, running errands, washing curtains, scrubbing grout, you name it I did it.  so now my house looks like it has been steralized but I can’t seem to do anything but sit here and mourn and cry.  It is so unfair and it’s things like this that make me question my faith.  This is too much for one family to have to go through.  I don’t know what to say to my friend, there is nothing I can say, she is destroyed!  He was her man, especially since her husband passed away.  She doesn’t know what she will do without him and I have nothing useful to say to her at all, so I hug her and cry with her. 

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