I never write on here anymore because I haven't felt this way in a long time, it seems.

I wanna fucking die right now.

In spite of the joy that my son and fiance bring me, I've started a downward trend and it's becoming harder and harder to want to get out of bed in the morning. My current job situation isn't anywhere near desirable. I'd kill for a shitty job right now because I guarantee it's better than what I'm putting up with. For those that don't know, I'm an unlicensed undertaker. I feel obligated to say unlicensed because not having a license is the only legal way my employer can rip me off and he says if I get certified, he'll fire me. I've been looking for new jobs and nothing has come of it as of yet.

It also finally hit me today that I'm never going to get out of this place. My boss had the gall to tell me after getting back from vacation how pissed he was that he had to wait on connecting flights. I've never even been on a fucking airplane before and probably never will. If you're loaded and your only grievances are pertaining to receiving 4-star service in a 5-star establishment, save your fucking breath. I wanted so fucking bad to say to him "Oh, my son almost ran out of diapers before payday and our power is a week away from getting cut off. That sucks about not getting a straight flight, though."

I feel like I'm going in circles. I've lost my faith and my mind.

I've started smoking and drinking again. When I'm not doing that, I'm eating WAY TOO MUCH. It really feels like the only solace in my life. Nathan is going through the terrible twos and it's getting very insane around here. I don't take it out on him, though, ever. I always try my hardest to keep a smile on around him.

I've also been losing interest in things that used to bring me joy. My love for music is down the tubes and I want to smash my guitars right now.

I'm trying to look for new hobbies to get my mind off of things but nothing can hold me for too long.

I really wish I were high right now.

I think a visit to the shooting range would be a terrific release. You don't have to be a violent person to get a thrill out of firing weapons. There's something invigorating about it.

I wish I were a kid again. Sometimes I feel like if I hadn't have dicked around in high school, things would be awesome right now. Maybe if I hadn't have dropped out of college, I'd be set. No use in bitching about that now.

I don't fucking know…

Can someone tell me something?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?


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