I was at my sister in laws Birthday Party. Every one was laughing and having a good time. Although I was having an alright time, I felt very out of place. Although I knew them all very well, it seemed as if it was the first time I was meeting all of them. I couldn't come up with my witty responses. I felt mentally and socially confused. We were there for about three hours with only a few words coming out of my mouth, one being "nice to see you all again" as we were walking out the door. During the car ride home, my husband asked if I was okay, My response was obvious. "Yeah…. I'm fine". When in reality I was freaking out in my head as to why I couldn't hold a single conversation with people that I have met on numerous occasions. I was baffled, and didn't know what was going on with me. I stumbled over everything I wanted to say and couldn't get it out right. It sounded as if I was a toddler learning to talk for the first time. I couldn't believe it. I've noticed over time, this has been getting worse. I question everything I'm about to say. To make sure I don't sound like an idiot, and the more I focus on that the more I sound like an idiot. Some call it cute, I call it damn annoying that I can't get what I want to say out!!!! It was frustrating. Then I have realized in times of social gatherings, such as birthday parties and what not, I get a sense of anxiety. I can't shake it, no matter how nice the crowd is or how comfortable they try and make me feel. It's starting to feel, as if all my walls are crumbling even though everyone else's around me have a sturdy foundation. I'm so confused.


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