Yesterday my mother got me a diamond ring for my birthday. I mean, its beautiful to the point of awe. When she gave it to me, she had a tear in her eye, and told me it meant a lot to her to give me the ring, as she had saved money for quite a few months and splurged because of the big 19. When she saw me smile she said she hoped i would get all the happiness in the world, and many more rings to give me happiness in the future.

It tore me apart that someone you love so much could not know more about you. Imagine if she knew how much i wanted to die, how much i wanted my life to be over. How badly i wanted to end this life, and here she wished that i had happiness, of all things in my life. It completely broke my heart, but i smiled and nodded my head, knowing in my heart that sometimes, the people who raised you as a infant, the people who provided food and shelter when vulnerable, the people who taught you words would once realise that their little girl didn’t want to be anymore. It hurt me to know that i was her baby, and here, i’ve been thinking about how peaceful drowning in a lake would be. how much would it hurt her when i was gone? and would she ever realise that it isnt me wanting to hurt, its something else?

here i am looking at my ring, and for the first time of depression tribe, i cannot say more. usually i am able to write so much about what i think and feel, but right now i can’t. i just feel so much hurt and guilt, and so much confusion. i am in a position in my life where i really am contemplating suicide. i am in a position where i also am fighting to hold on to my life. i just cannot say more. i don’t want to break into tears writing this, so i will end it this blog write here.