Well,I went and saw my doc and he gave me samples of my meds so now I can be back on them.I’m already feeling better mentally about having them.I took my doses already and just kinda not looking forward to the adjustments of them.I do wonder if I’ll sleep or be alert to the world.I’ve been a walking corspe for so long and I have hope that I can finally come alive.
I did apologize for slapping my hubby and feel bad for what I did.We talked some about the meds and what the doc and I plan on doing and I finally asked my doc a question I needed to know.I’m really addicted to Law and Order the TV show and there was a victim that was raped and bitten all over…well,I went to college for Forensics for a while and I was also raped and bitten all over and even in all my studying I never understund the bitting thing.On the Tv show the man who did the rape said one man’s hickie is another man’s bite.It still never answered my question.Well,I finally asked and he said it could of been a form of s&m or humliation…to humliate me more.I somehow actually feel a little better having some kind of answer.I guess maybe my past has what has made me sick or maybe It’s always been there…the rapes will never go away.I never did nothing…I just went on and just always listened to other peoples rapes and molestion storied and knew how they felt because it happened to me.I’m not a victim..I am a survior …I am here…maybe not perfect but I’m trying to heal still it may have taken this long but I’m ready I don’t wanna be this way anymore.Maybe the Reiki will help with getting attunened and learning to heal.I have some steps to take before I start my class…then I can teach others…so,yes I’m trying…slowly but I will make it.
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