This is my first blog. i don't know what to really say, but I guess I will just write a bit of what I am feeling. I am 35, mother of 3, have a good marriage and have a good job. I was in the military for 12 years and I miss it dearly. lately i have been thinking nothing but bad upsetting thoughts. All in all I have a good life. But I often wonder why i feel alone all the time. I literally have NO friends around and i feel that everytime I talk to the people that I do have in my life, I am judged. So…I am or feel that I am closed off to the world and i can feel it weighing down on my shoulders alot of the times. There are times that i don't want to be here, wonder what's the pupose (and yes, I understand that i have kids, but in my mind they would be better off in time without me bringing myself down and in turn making thier life miserable)…I have no energy for anything, I don't want to go anywhere, do anything…
I often wonder if this makes me a terrible person, terrible mother…but NO one is there to tell me different! It's hard to be alone, to feel alone…It SUCKS! And I've heard, "If you could talk to someone, things would get better"….well, I have tried to talk to people, strangers, doctors and the same things always happens, I will start talking and feel as if I am being looked at badly or being judged, so I lock up and stop what I am saying and go on with life and pretend that everything is ok.
Lets go to another subject. Like I said earlier, I have 3 children. I gave birth to my daughter 4 months ago and while I expect not to be back in perfect shape…on top of everything else…I feel and look terrible. I guess it doesn't help that I don't have anyone but myself that tells me I look good (but telling yourself doesn't work and its not like a self esteem booster when someone else tells you). I am working on that…going to the gym, watching what I eat and quitting smoking…all while I feel like crap about myself. Nothing like piling everything on top of what you already carry???
Please don't try to tell me that I need help, I know that. Don't tell me that I need to talk to someone, I know that too. That's why I am here…I'll give anything a shot once. One of the hardest things is that I want to talk to the only person that Ihave in my life (my husband) but he doesn't get it. He tries to be my shrink (his mother and sister are psychologists) instead of just listening and that makes it even harder. Oh well…this is how I feel in a nut shell. I am a wife, a mother, a veteran…but I AM ALONE!