I dreamed about him again recently.

I was back in high school, and I was walking through the cafeteria. I saw him. He shifted back and forth between the way he used to look, and how he looked after he cut his hair. Then he settled on the more recent look. He seemed surprised. I was surprised. 

He asked me why I was so upset, and I desperately tried to describe to him how much I missed him, even though I had no real explanation for it. I was just trying to tell him how awful it was to know he was gone. 

I don\'t think he understood. 

I spent the next several days trying to decide if this was Aaron\'s message to me, or if that\'s what my mind decided he would say. My husband said it must be my mind, but that only really frustrates me more.

 

When my grandfather died (he was also a very religious man), he would often come to me when I was very distressed about my religious decisions and tell me to relax, and that everything would be okay. He often gave me hope that I didn\'t have to believe what everyone else believed, and that my soul would be okay.

 

I feel oddly abandoned that this has not happened with Aaron, even though I am in so much distress over him leaving. I guess I felt like he would know how upset I was, and give me some peace about dying and the other side. But I don\'t think he did. Unless the only thing he had to say to me was to just be plained surprised that I was still missing him. Which almost makes sense, when you think about it. He would be surprised that I missed him so much. 

 

I\'m seeking therapy soon. Or rather- having my husband seek it for me. There\'s a free counseling service around here. I\'m real nervous, but maybe there\'s someone out there who can make my heart less heavy.

 

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