I’ve emailed two different things to learn more about what I could be getting into with a service dog and If I could be qualified (Feb 19th). One was a dodgy looking site, it didn’t look entirely legit so I contemplated for a good half an hour if I should send out the email that took me an hour to write. I don’t want them stealing my email and using it to hack all of my accounts! The site was plain. There was no contact information tab, I had to really search. They didn’t have many pictures on their Facebook and I couldn’t find the Facebook linked on the site. They listed breeders and trainers but not what breeds. They said that they are a nonprofit organization that runs on donations but they want you to submit your application with $75. I sent the email but I don’t believe I should have. I suspect to have two emails in my inbox tomorrow by 5:00 at night. The other email I sent was just to national service dog type thing where I basically begged for help and advice.

If the dodgy one with the crappy site and plain Facebook doesn’t work out all my work so far was just a waste. There were only three places for service dogs in my state that I have found. One was self training your dog and taking courses on how to train them. Just the thought of that one almost gave me a panic attack. The other was promising but it was only for people who didn’t already have dogs at home, so that ones out.

I need to look online and do research on where I can be evaluated and what sites to look to for donations. There is so much to be done and I know it would be a little bit easier if I spoke to my mom about it that way we could share the load of researching. By the fourth of next month I should tell her and provide all the information I’ve found and where we could look I just feel this might be too much work and responsibility for us to take on. I might just drop the whole idea together…but not yet. Not any time soon hopefully.

A full day has passed since I sent out the emails and today is working on the second.

I wish there was a way I could express how urgently I need all of these answers. I sent the email on Sunday so of course I wouldn’t get an email until Monday-wait. I had Monday off of school because of Presidents Day.

Anyway, I’ve checked it three times since being awake for exactly an hour now. I think I’m so on edge and constantly checking emails because I almost emailed a mental health referral place. It is the first time I’ve done that. I did that around 3am this morning, I didn’t fall asleep until 5am. Not the usual but it wasn’t unexpected either. It was one of those weird nights/mornings where I felt overloaded with thoughts. My mind was buzzing, literally buzzing with thoughts, I could feel it. There were all of these thoughts and emotions running through me but I could recognize single thoughts. They moved all too quickly from one place to the next, just when I was starting to register I was thinking about something I had to tomorrow it flipped to something else…then to another just the same…and another…and another. I couldn’t decipher my ideas or inner commentary. Every thought was a gnat. You know, when you open your back door on a humid day looking out and you see large groups of those tiny bugs tightly knitted together, bouncing off of each other.

I still feel like this but the group of gnats are not as large and they are slow. Slowly they are getting worse though, I can just tell but I will keep positive. I’ll tell myself that it’s okay. Take it in, feel it, respect it, let it go-try to let it go, be thankful I’m alive, be thankful it’s not any worse than it is no matter how awful it feels or how hard things are getting. Who knows, It’s very possible I won’t feel as bad as I imagine. Moods are greatly influenced by everything that touches our lives. Things we don’t normally take attention to. We are such unpredictable creatures. I may even be able to focus on school work better today. It seems like a possibility, I’m not down and out just yet for today.

I don’t know I still believe the one sketchy site about service dogs was just a joke and I gave them my email. They scammed me. Maybe I’m over reacting. I’ll keeping positive and hopeful.

It’s been four whole days now and I’ve gotten no emails in return. I’ve just emailed a dog training place about an hour ago and I’m hopeful but I the site didn’t offer me much info so hopefully they respond unlike the the other places. I checked, the email addresses were valid that I sent them to, they sent.

I sent an email to this dog training place in particular because they mentioned training assistance dogs on their site and they listed some info about service dogs, I already knew the stuff but this led me to believe they might do training in the tasks I need. I’ve asked them in the email. Not to mention the place isn’t too far away. Not local, but basically. It’d be really nice if this did what I need.

Feb. 25th

It’s been a week now with no response, I don’t expect to get any responses at all.

But that’s okay because I still feel an enormous weight has been lifted. I’ve finally talked to my mom about service dogs and the reaction wasn’t as bad as I thought. This is the start of something good I hope.

Writing all of this out may have seem pointless and boring, which to most people it would be. But I have to write this stuff out as a record for myself. Seeing the way things have changed in my and the progression or even downfalls in my life. It’s worth remembering.