I wish my inability to move on was as simple as fear, but it is so much more than that. My anxiety and depression is the worst it's ever been and I'm struggling everyday to gain control of my life again. I wish it were as easy as taking a fresh start, but my thoughts and feelings are issues I can't escape. I could lie to myself again, as I have done in the past, but I will only end up in the same agonizing situation.

Right now, I exist as a shell of a person. I've lost every trace of myself. I can't be around people. I can't find anything that brings me happiness. My life feels meaningless. I've been told by every therapist (I'm now seeing my 5th psychologist) and psychiatrist (number 3) that these are classic symptoms of depression. I understand that. However, I can't come to grips with the fact that I suffer from this disease. Logically, I know I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, but the constant anger I have because I'm like this overpowers any rationality. I hate myself for being like this, especially because I have no reason to be depressed, no horrible, life-altering circumstances that have plagued me. I should be happy and healthy, but I'm not. I'm completely embarrassed of my situation. I wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't work my ass off in school to end up in this situation, and, for that reason, I'm furious with myself. A little part of me dies when I see people I used to know. That dreaded question of "what are you up to?" chisels away any self-esteem I have left. What am I supposed to tell them? I couldn't manage college because of severe depression and anxiety? Telling people that I have depression is an instant judgment. People really don't understand the disease. They just think, "Oh, that girl's just sad" when it's so much more than that. The physical and mental toils that my body has been subjected to are horrifying and exhausting. I can't find the words to describe how I feel on a day-to-day basis.

The therapist I have now tells me that I'm still grieving about my illness and I think she's right. Only until I fully accept my condition, will I be truly happy. It could take a month or even 18 months, but I can't rush it. I've done that before, and it's only ended in disappointment.

4 Comments
  1. JA 9 years ago

    im sorry you feel this way..i feel the exact same way….some of the things you say are like a mirror of exactly how i feel as well. ive been dealing with this for 13 years or longer. it didnt realy hit me until i started drinking alcohol then it intensified…went to a therapist and they gave me drugs that made it worse…stopped the therapist and the the meds….i dont have anxiety but i do have a depression….i dont know how to deal with it anymore but i know i dont want to give up….

    dont worry about what other people say…but then i do to…..people will judge you but the people who are your freinds and care about you never will….

    i hope you have friends…i only have one…

     

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  2. JA 9 years ago

    you will greive but the only thing left is to do is take it one day at a time,,,,,i used to try to look at the future and try so many different things..i can only take it one day at a time now…….

    yeah people may judge you becuase of your depression but those people dont know at all what your going thru….i dont know how old the people you associate with are but older people have an idea and do not judge and try to help. i have told only a few people how i feel and they accept me and dont judge. i dont tell alot of people because i dont want them to worry about me.

    you ask why me? i do the same….why i do live with this thing for no reason….and i get very upset that i cant overcome it…i dont believe in therapist or counseling but i dont know what to try either at the moment and i think im loosing my only friend right now and pushing her away…..shes trying to help me but i dont think she knows how.

     

     

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  3. ItsKayKay 9 years ago

    I am terribly sorry that you are in this rut and certainly when I was diagnosed with depression, I had the same thoughts. Even now sometimes I still feel guilty about feeling the way I do at times. I feel weak and ungrateful, as if I ought to be thankful for all that has happened in my life. However, I can't and what am I going to do? What are you going to do? There are some things in life that are just uncontrollable and out of your hands and so you must do what you have to do to keep your sanity. That is treating depression as such. It is not a death sentence and surely there are ways to manage.

    As to the judgements of people, people are people and once they are ignorant towards a particular condition or situation, they make fools of themselves by being unaccepting and hateful. They are irrelevant. You need not pay attention to persons who aims to create chaos and destruction. You have enough to worry about in your life without caring about what others might say. Accepting that you are different from what everyone expects of you and what you expected of yourself, is the most important thing in your growth and developing because in doing that you are accepting yourself for who you are and so can take strides in dealing with who you WANT to be as it refers to that.

    You can get on with your life and dealing with the struggles of fighting your depression can be challenging and tiring but the goal is what it is all about and remembering the struggles and hard work it took to get you there. Do stuff– don't lie there and bury yourself. Do the things you enjoy doing I am assuming from the way you wrote your blog that you enjoy writing. It is very well written. Do not be afraid to ask and accept support, asking for support does not mean becoming emotionally dependent and attached, merely accepting a helping hand. Take Care dear and I pray that you will feel better soon.

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  4. ancientgeekcrone 9 years ago

    Depression doesn't develop overnight, learning to deal with it doesn't happen overnight either. Courage and perseverance and patience are required. Accept where you are in order to move forward. Being less judgemental about your illness will help also. It's not fair to kick yourself, since you are already prone. Judging yourself so harshly just invites the world to get in line behind you and do the same.

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