Well lately I have been pretty depressed over things that happened in my past. I know its the past and there nothing you can do to change it but sometimes I want to SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. I just feel so empty, not whole, I feel numb almost, besides the constent feeling of being used.
I hate not trusting people but my whole life people (basicly women) have used me for my feelings got what they wanted and would either tell the whole school or a my friends something. Which of course I do realize that it was high school but it has affected me even still today. I know I have parnoid personality disorder but why is it that when I become someone "friend" that I always seem to get hurt. It happened in high school and still today!
I feel like I'm a good person and I try to be a good friend and be there when someone needs to talk or when they are having a problem even go out of my way. But when it comes to me "ahh dont worry about it". I really want to have friends I can have a good time and be comfortable with but even with the people I hang out with now I feel like pulling my hair out and say really are you that heartless!? People call and want to hang out and I'll drive 45 mins away and bam! no call no show and stuck by myself. I know these people truely are not my friends but I'm afraid to reach out of the bubble. Just so afraid that everyone has there own motive to get me. Atleast my whole 23 years on this earth has been like this. Except for my boyfriend.
I'm just so sick of being walked over. So sick of people that say they will be there and never are. So sick of peoples harmful words that I just want to say to all of them "Here is the knife you can cut me with, atleast this can heal." "Your words are as devastating as if a tractor trailer ran over me!" "Does making me feel like dirt underneath your shoes make you feel better?
I just want to be a normal person without all the paranoid thoughts that race through my head everytime I speak! I'm so tired of being all alone. My boyfriend is here for me, but sometimes you need another shoulder to lean on.
I guess I dont understand the meaning of Friendship!