I've been battling a headache since yesterday. In the past I have been able to handle headaches, given the congenital hydrocephalus. This time, the headaches coupled with this abhorrent depression is driving me insane!!! I mean really? Am I expected to just sit back and let pain find new ways to torture me?? I can't do anything…more so than normal. I meantoday was pathetic: get up at 8:30 (and I didn't go to bed until 3 am), eat cereal (10% to get rid of the hunger and 90% to just find somef***ing comfort), I did manage to wash my sheets, I did end up eating lunch (I had to think a minute if I even ate). Then I think I slept the rest of the afternoon after letting the dogs out. Despite my depression and what some symptoms can be, this day is one of my lowest and laziest. I usually manage to do more like dishes, vacuum, read or write. Not today.
I was actually looking forward to my brother coming home…I broke down (Monday night) and did something I have only done once before: confided in my younger brother. As strange as it may sound, I feel like I need to be the rock if my brother ever needs me, not the other way around. It is difficult for me to open up to people I see face-to-face with the exception of professionals (who my parents pay). Despite my nerves, I text my brother a lengthy message (for me anyway). I mentioned my irritation with our mom when she drinks and my belief it’s due to me and what I have put them through. He was able to comfort me a bit and I actually cried…usually I shed a few tears at a time but I would consider this a significant crying spell. I did let 90% of the tension run free but there was the cautious measure to keep my cheeks as free of redness as possible. The feelings of exhaustion did follow but maybe that is normal.