Each day I wake up, Im usually already doing some sort of compulsion tomy surroundings before opening my eyes, wether that be thinking of certain things or a certain number of things repetatively before foot steps stop, in between bird calls outside, before the garbage truck lift stops making its lifting noise, etc. It can be anything that has a cycle that triggers my OCD to automatically start doing compulsions. For example, intrusive thoughts might instantly introduce the bright idea, "hurry, you have to think of six peoples names that you know that start with the letter R before the sound of the garbage truck fades…or youre life is f*cked forever". If I don't do it right, theres that hopeless feeling for a split second, then make up by doing it 18 more times in between the time a dog stops one bark and begins another. or something similar. Wether I do it perfect or not, theres always another one around the corner a few seconds later.All before I open my eyes. Then I open my eyes, and now Im in another world. As I wake up more the OCD isnt as delerious as it was with my eyes closed. For some reason, my OCD seems way more active and even more illogical when my eyes are closed. Sometimes I take a while to open them until it feels right. Then Im off to start another day. I can handle that, Im used to it now.

I've been stuck on this repetative mental compulsion since last nite. I finally kicked it and went to sleep early this morning. Sometimes the compulsions come back the next day, sometimes they don't. I guess it depends on how deep that groove in my brain got by doing it before. This one seems to have stuck for the day or two or three, or however many it takes. I've got this cycle of thoughts that I seem to automatically think of anytime I hear or see a pattern. Since I usually do most compulsions in multiples of 6, it starts with the first cycle of 6 thoughts. Then the follow up thought on 7 has to be good too. If not, I go 3 more cycles of the 6 thoughts toget to23 and 24,or 28, depending on if I had a bad thought in between thoughts 18 and 24. If it doesnt feel right, then I go all thewayto 123, 124, 128, if not, then to 223, 224, 228, if not, 323,324, or 328, and so on…. over and over and over again until it feels right. Then it gets to the point where OCD starts add"rules" on the fly statingall of the final24 thoughts have to be good without any intrusion of a negative thought or life feels like its no good. Of course the second you think you're gonna make it, that negative thought comes in right before the last one. "Next hundred". Repeat the cycle of thoughts, making pit stopsat _36 sometimes _40, then _45 thenonto the next hundred and 23,24, or 28 untill it feels right.An hour later, I realize Im doing it again, and since I started already I end up doing it again til it feels right. Typing this all out, I realize how insane this sh*t really is, and I left some of it out. It"feels" so important and is such a complex combination of getting the right thought, on the right number, and feeling just right, yet it is all meaningless in reality. So anyway, fealt good to get this all out. Hope everyone is doing at least ok, and tomorrow is a better day for all of us. Take care!

2 Comments
  1. hekla2002 11 years ago

    I don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you! what a relentless cycle. I can't even imagine!!! although, I am not sure any of us can fully imagine the capacity of this OCD thing. it affects us all so differently, yet we attribute the same level of importance to it all…importance for things so very unimportant. thank you for sharing!!!

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  2. blondiemom 11 years ago

     Wow, we must be twins!  My earliest memory of my childhood was doing number rituals in my head.  I suppose it's a good thing that I'm stupid with math and stopped  đź™‚  Have to joke or it would be too much.  Keep posting blogs if it helps get that toxic ocd out, even if it only helps for a second.  As much as ocd sucks it's great to get to know you a little more by reading this.  xoxo

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