I hate hotel rooms.  And hotels in general.

They have other people\’s germs and hairs and fluids and they\’re dirty and awful….

I just made it to Minnesota for my evaluation for the pain rehabilitation clinic at the Mayo Clinic.  If I get in and they have room for me, I will be living in a hotel for over 3 weeks.

I am in a state of anxiety that currently is right below a full-blown panic attack.  And right now is better than it was when I was trying to get the hair out of my bed and the drawers and the chair that\’s by my bed, etc…  Plus I took my anti-anxiety medicine that\’s a benzodiazapine.  So it\’s taken the edge off but I\’m still so anxious….I don\’t want to move from this exact spot because of the germs and the possible hair all around me.  I feel dirty and surrounded by hair and filth.  There were 3 pubic hairs in the drawer of the end table between the two beds.  That\’s where the phone book is.  My dad set the phone book on my bed.  I don\’t want to be near that spot now….  he didn\’t understand why I started freaking out.  Plus there are stains all over my white bed sheets…okay not all over but on all of my sheets on different spots.  I hope they are stains that have been washed….they have to be because these are the sheets I have to deal with for a while.

When we first got here, I immediately started inspecting my bed and freaked out really really bad when I lifted up the pillow and there was a big, long, hair on one side of the pillow case.  I threw it, along with the comforter (because hotels don\’t wash the comforters between all guests) and the other pillow on the floor in the corner.  My dad looked at me and yelled, "(MY NAME)!  You are REALLY OVER-REACTING!"  I just looked at him and said, "DAD!" and then my mom intervened and told us we both needed to get along or something.

He KNOWS I have finally been diagnosed with OCD and that it\’s been getting worse.  He KNOWS that I have had this problem for years and years!  I\’ve been this way for years and he has been there with me being this way! 

I hate it when people say to just stop it or that I\’m overreacting.  First of all, I can\’t just stop it.  Second of all…I KNOW that it\’s not a logical process and I know it\’s more of a reaction than any other person would be giving.  But this is me, and I can\’t be anyone else right now.

I\’m also anxious because I have 2 appointments tomorrow that are so important that I feel like the rest of my life hangs on the decision that is made at one of them.  The other may help me short-term wise, but I\’m not holding my breath. 

I feel so trapped here in this bed.  I feel trapped in my body and in my situation.

Anxiety….why can\’t you give me an effing break?