ok now i’ve had plenty of times in my life when i’ve been nuts, but this takes the cake.  i’m glad that there’s no one here to do a psychiatric evaluation on me, cause i reakon they’d commit me.  i have had a gutfull……of my husband, my children, my students, my recovery, my ocd, strangers, acquaintances, the mess around my home, my unmanageability, my mind, housework etc etc but most of all me.  I feel like running out of my house and NEVER return.  but that is one of my old coping skills, so i won’t do that.  i opened the fridge, there’s a can of some canadian bloody scotch or something in there, i wanted to skull that thing down faster than i could take a breath, but that’s one of my old coping skills, so i won’t do that.  i’ve thrown ages into tidying up the house cause it was making me insane with uncomfortability but also to keep me from sitting down cause if i do……..like i already am now that i’m here at the computer, i’m hurting myself , ripping at my skin, hair whatever, cause i’m soooooooooooooooo goddamn emotionally crippled and bankrupt that it’s just unbearable.  i’ve tried to ring someone to talk to them and download some of my crap to them, but they aren’t home and i don’t trust too many people to share my intimate stuff.  so all i could think of was to get on here and whinge my arse off about meaningless s*!t that has no concequence to anyone but me.  i am so afraid to tell the truth, i keep so much inside and don’t share it cause i’m afraid, i’m not quite sure of what…… i’m too insane with the zoids to try to access my rational/sane part of myself.  i can’t see outside my own pain and craziness.  i’m being a bitch to my kids and i know i have to go and appologise for being rude and cranky with them.  i have made so many errors and mistakes this week that i can’t even begin to get to the botttom of them all and rectify them.  probably the thing i want to do the most right now is smoke a cigarette.  i haven’t smoked in over 9 years…. i just want to change how i feel.  lol, and therein lies the problem, normal folk don’t change how they feel, they just sit with their feelings until they pass…………………but hey i’m not normal.