I feel angry right now for a lot of reasons. I am too tired to act out in an angry way or get into anymore fights with Mom and Dad, so it's a good thing that I'm at least tired. I'm more than tired, I am lethargic and almost unable to even get up out of my seat. I don't see anything getting better and the worst part is that I have no motivation. I want to be able to join that gym so at least I can move my body and start to see it change for the better. Maybe loose a few ibs and not feel so gross and fat. But I am too down to do anything at all but sit here. Putting the orders from eBay in envelopes was almost too much for me.

This whole Baseball thing is driving me crazy. Everyone wants to celebrate and I just want it to go away. I don't understand what is so wonderful about a team winning even if you love the team, it's a GAME it doesnt' make your life better or worse if they win or lose. It's a sport. It's very very annoying when Mom and Dad cheer and celebrate over the Giants I don't give a fuck, I just want the season to be over. At least it's not football which is coming up and even worse. I am almost starting to become angry at Dad for being such a sports fanatic. I want to just tell him to get a grip. sports suck and are not important in life.

Tomorrow they are suposed to be coming at 8AM and turning the electricity off so they can work on all the wires. This should take at least a day or two then that idiot handiman guy has to come and hammer all the boards back on the house. I want to fucken shoot myself. The only time I sleep is in the early morning.For some fucked up reason it's always been like that. My body can only sleep early mornings. So I will get no sleep for the next few days, I mean none. I am totally going to go crazy but I have no choice and I already fought with Mom about this at least twice.

I am so sick of living here between my parents and the spoilt brat neighbors I want to fucken move out, I would never be able to afford even a week in a hotel let alone my own apartment anyway. AndI am not like M who loves her 12 roommates. Eventho I wrote to M, told her how I felt about how mean she was to me on my Bday and she apologized and explained why she behaved that way… I am still annoyed with her. She is bipolar, but always on the happy side and that makes her life OK.. as long as she doesn't go on the sad side, her life is 1,000,000 times better than mine could ever be. I am jealous of her and she is jealous thinking I never have to worry about being homeless eventho her mom wouldn't let that happen to her.

I don't know how much longer I can go on loving K without it killing me. It will be 5 years since he dumped me this week. I try to make myself feel better because it's a miracle that I saw him this summer and we were together again even for just those 2 nights… I have to remind myself that I got to have that when all I wanted these years was to get his texts. I have to look at something that I have. I just hope I always have his friendship.