I have not done one of these yet, but I will try. Right now, life feels empty. I have to change schools because the “bullying” has not stopped. It probably never will. And it is not just with other people my age that do not like me. I can not seem to do anything right, not with grades or friends or anything.

My family is so disfunctional, I feel trapped and broken because of all this mental stuff. Like I come with too much baggage. And I know I sound like every other teenager, but this is real. I remember feeling like this, just not as extreme, when I was nine and even found old papers telling my mom how sad I felt and that I did not know why. I do not have any kind of relationship with my father. Or a good relationship with anyone in my family for that matter. I only have one friend.

I do not really see a future. College seems so impossible. I do not think I am smart enough to go. If I do not my family will look further down on me than they already do. I’m so lost.

Writing all of this stuff down makes me feel so sick. I feel guilty writing this, like it is wrong. Like I should not tell anyone because it is my problem and it is insignificant and stupid. I feel like I should apologize for writing this. And that I have used the word “I” way too much. I feel extremely embarrassed to be like this. Like it is my fault. It might be.

And now I do not even know what is worse, feeling so much pain or feeling numb and empty. The worst part is, I never know when it is going to hit. But now it is hit pretty hard.

So I am hoping it gets better….

4 Comments
  1. delane 5 years ago

    ***Hugs***
    Lily010, i think what you’re doing is inspiring. Don’t apologize for how you feel. At least you’re trying….
    Have you tried speaking with a school counselor? Sometimes, they can make some suggestions that might lead you in a better direction, especially as far as college-outlook/work are concerned.
    i really think you need to talk to someone, nearby…. Everyone needs an outlet, and some of us are just not comfortable with our family’s support system, so we have to search other means…

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      lily010 5 years ago

      There isn’t really anyone I can talk to. And my school doesn’t have a counselor (I know, weird) so I really don’t know what to do.
      Thanks

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  2. puraeomallia 5 years ago

    Never say your problem is stupid or insignificant because you’re important like everyone else. You’re taking a step in the right direction towards getting better, opening up will do wonders. Your family is broken, but there’s still hope for it. Does your insurance cover any therapeutic or psychiatric help? Your family may need to go to counseling to be fixed.

    Not sure if this helped, but I tried.

    – Purae

    “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” – RuPaul

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      lily010 5 years ago

      Well my mom and dad are “separated” and she’s looking to get a divorce. There’s no fixing that. And probably not, we went without car insurance (my dad doesn’t work) for a bit so I doubt we have it covered. Thank you so much

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