i hate myself for being so insecure

i hate that i can't trust people anymore

i hate that i have to lie to the ones closest to me

i hate that i fail at love

i'm SO fed up now, i've just come back from a second date, i dont know if its coz i'm tired or what but i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would of =/ its making me doubt myself and the relationship, he's going to ask me 'the question' 2moro of "will u be my girlfriend" and its killing me, i want to tell him the truth (i'm not sure what that is myself yet or how to word it, my emotions feel all over the place this week) or i'll force myself to carry on a lie.

i'm still grieving the loss of my friend moving to the other side of the country..i know its not impossible to go and visit but we'l both be working full time and i work weekends aswell so i dont know how its going to work ;'( its so upsetting.

also i felt like a ticking time bomb at work 2day! so stressed out that i wouldn't finish in time! i reckon i'm nearly half way through the task, but i've only got one day left so finger crossed! i'm so nervous.

+ i got my blood test results back today and they are OK. =/ … maybe i should keep trying till they come back worse. i want to see the damage im doing to myself! but im fed up of the scars of the cuts all over my body. and i'm even more fed up of covering them up and making excuses.

i think i'm just FED UP of life now..i don't have the motivation to carry on, can;t think why im still here..i've tried countless times to overdose and not wake up but i keep waking up!! i'm sick of it!

i want out.


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