This is so weird, but i'm totally going to start writing a bunch of insanity just to get it out man. i don't care who sees it because i have nothing to hide =) so i'm going to start by saying writing makes me happy, it helps, and i can't just write anymore, so i'm going to pretend i have to do this… i'm better at writing when i know someone is listening. haven't figured it out yet, but here goes everything. i'm fucking sick. i've been going to NA since i was 18, i am 20 now. i have 2 days clean. i first got introduced to NA after a bad overdose the night before my first court date. they told me my heart stopped. i woke up in the ambulance and all i wanted was my chapstick because my lips felt like i was dead? and i found out later that they even called my mom and told her i was dead, and all she did was laugh and tell them i was trying to get attention? yea. so i was hospitalized for awhile. no one came and saw me. i had to go to detox for 7 days. i got dope when i got home that night. i had to ride a bus everyday for 3 weeks back and fourth to another rehab, jus so things looked promising for court….anyways they kicked me out of course because i was high everyday lol and they were piss testing me .. anyways the night before my next court date i got arrested for rigs and dope so i went to jail… to make a long story right now short, i went to rehab again for 7 days after jail, to make things look good. i was facing a feleny and also some shit from my charges before i turned 18.. which were battery on an officer and fleeing, and possession, by the way this is funny. i weigh 108 and the cop i hit thought  i shot him cuz i was tripping on acid and ya know how acid gives us superpowers? lol not cool cuz i got tackled the fuck down. anyways i don't know why i'm writing this shit like its my fucking lead or some shit man, i will never have that chance. i mean maybe. but anyways this is jus my past to make a painting appear…so i went to a 30 days facility when i got out of rehab outta jail, i had my own apparment while i waited to get in, and while i waited i got loaded everyday and started doing things for dope i never did before, only kinda. so 30 days rehad, i decided to go to a half-way house and get monitered and shit and live far away. i thought i bet they got some good shit there. i left 2months into it and did a pill at work a xanx and i decided i want some fucking dope, so i lied to the mana ger and told her  i had to work later, and i called my buddy who i met in one of my rehabs and we said he could hook me up with h. i was alll excited yayyy. i gave some idiot my money cuz i was retarded and 4got how smart i was supposed to be being….lol and i hit my first crack rock while i was waiting.. i HATED IT !!! boooo . i never got my dope that night.. because i was being a dumb little girl, letting someone take my money. i got him back though later on, and he hooked me up. but anyways all in one night i was broke and high and homeless, sitting on the side of the fucking road with 2 suitcases and my mind full of crack, which i hated. i started smoking it more although it made me hide in the bathroom and hid in closets, and turn off my cell phone and hide that…it made me have sex with strangers and rob guys in hotels… i started mixing it cuz i finally found my dope again.. so i was hooked on both. and i somehow actually between all this got 30 days clean and got my own place, the dude was old and i didnt pay rent too often.i tried to kill myself for like the 20th time and my friendfrom NA called the cops on me 2 days later and i'm all who is it! and they're like its the police open up. wtf.. so i said fuck that i kept using more and more i got an ambulance called on me because i overdosed? although i wasn't i was the one who answered the door lol but anyways what am i writing. lol i am trying to get to now which is important. i live by myself, i have cable, i have a cat, i obviously have internet, i have a job, i'm starting school soon…but i begged some dude to buy me vodka and then i'm so sick. i forgot to mention my eating disorder that happened while i was in 30day treatment. i started throwing up my food…it actually started when i was 16..but.. like drugs…food, there's nothing too much!! never enough, but then i feel guilty and throw it up.  like i'm coming to understand how sick i am, and powerful the disease of addiction is, and how in every aspect of my life i fight with it. like fuck off DISEASeee!!!! blah anyways. i go to therapyand stuff and NA meetings and everything. i want to get better. my past is worse than what i even wrote. the way i feel inside still is so empty and sad, but compared to how i remember feeling when i was on drugs man… i remember signs from my higher power when i was smoking crack (lol) i hated it, it was not my thing, i was a junkie, and that shit i got me ill as hell. i mean i would be so twisted. i seriously remember sitting alone in my appartment for days and i would leave all the lights out and i would even unplug my refrig. when it would kick on, i'd be like AHHH. i was dead inside. so scaredman…. i had big dope guys even tell me that it was the devil and i needed tostop. lol i believe it's what got me where i am today, cuz if i would have found my dope that night, i would have never got myself into any crack smoking bussiness.grr. i moved to miami, flordia last winter cuz my ass was strung the fuck out, and i was outta opitions, i stayed with my cousion. i had nightmares for months… i still have them. i did scary things man while i was out there, i would go into hotels for dudes and if i didnt want to have sex with them, i would rob them and i remember running so fast to get in the elevador lol blah. i have nightmares of strange people and strange guys… anyways i feel better i'm not kidding. i need to write stuff because sometimes when i try to share in meetings i get all weirded out and i start to go numb because i get nervous… so i'm going to keep writing on this because i personally don't know any1 on here. and when i was writing on my myspace, i had people be like "man, u need to not write that stuff, it's crazy, aren't you afraid people will think your insane?" lol fuck though. i am insane =) but i'm trying to pretend i'm normal, ya know, conforming for society at the moment, so much fun. anyways. peace and love.